Relationship Skills

How to Ask for a Favor and Not Leave a Terrible Impression

May 11, 2018 by Vicki Tillman 1 Comment

Take my word for it, this is important: How to ask for a favor and not leave a terrible impression.

How to Ask for a Favor and Not Leave a Terrible Impression

Have you ever been asked to do someone a favor, you do it and then feel like you’ve totally been taken advantage of, disrespected or devalued? It certainly doesn’t make you want to do that person a favor next time they ask.

If you know someone who is inclined to do an asinine job of receiving favors that they ask for, tell them this:

Do me a favor, next time you need to ask someone a favor, read this post first.

Here’s how to ask for a favor and not leave a terrible impression:

*Ask.

Don’t say, “I need you to do something for me…”

Try this instead:

“Could I ask you a favor? Would you do…,please?”
“Would you mind doing something for me? Would you…, please?”
“Could I impose on you to…, please?”

Notice: Each of the asks ends with the word, “Please”. Please is not optional when asking for favors if you don’t want to leave a terrible impression.

*Make it easy on the person to do the favor for you.

If they need information, don’t make them do a google search or dig through 10 years of past records. If you have access to what the person who is doing you a favor needs, give it to them. Examples of this:

If you need a referral or recommendation: Write examples of the work you and the referrer have done together in order to jog their memories. Give them a list of accomplishments.
If you need a review: Give the person the materials you want reviewed.
If you need them to stop by the store on the way home: Text them a list. A verbal list is too hard to remember.
If you need tutoring: Bring your textbook and course materials.

Making it easy to do the favor is not an option if you don’t want to leave a terrible impression.

*Say ‘Thank you’ when the favor is done.

In my experience, it not common to receive thanks when a favor is complete. The favor-asker often moves right on with life. It is also my experience that when I am not thanked for doing a favor:

I feel taken advantage of
I am less inclined to do another favor if that person wants something else done
The favor asker has left a bad impression

*Return the favor.

Remember: the person who did you a favor gave something up to do you that favor. They gave time or money or resources. The favor cost them something. So, it is thoughtful to return the favor.

Returning a favor is simply doing something nice for the person who did you the favor. It’s kind of like a human version of karma: favors are given, favors come back around. This creates goodwill and an atmosphere of giving.

There are lots of ways to return a favor. Here are a few ideas:

Write a thank you note. (This is above and beyond the verbal ‘thank you’.) Snail-mail it. Don’t email it.
Give some social media love.
Send some flowers.
Ask, “What can I do for you?”
Occasionally, the situation will not ethically allow the favor-giver to receive a repay. In this case, simply talk well about the favor-giver when you have the opportunity.

People who do not return the favors appear ungrateful and leave a bad impression.

A little bit of thoughtfulness from a favor-asker is all that’s needed to prevent creating bad impressions!

If you need a little coaching to build your confidence on favor-asking, contact me or schedule an appointment now. Coaching will help you become the kind of person who people LOVE to do favors for.

How to Ask for a Favor and Not Leave a Terrible Impression

Maybe the Number One Tip for Relationship Success: Be Nice!

January 28, 2018 by Vicki Tillman Leave a Comment

Maybe the Number One tip for relationship success: Be nice!

Maybe the Number One Tip for Relationship Success: Be Nice!

I’m not being trite here. This may be the #1 way to make a relationship more successful. Listen to my reasoning:

What nice is:

Speaking in a respectful tone of voice
Perspective taking
Daily noticing your partner (deeds, personality, ideas, values). Harvard psychologist and researcher, Ellen Langer, suggests that daily naming 5 things about your parter will significantly improve your relationship.
Refusing to show contempt. Daniel Gottman, marriage expert, says the #1 predictor of divorce is a couple that shows contempt. Contempt looks like one or more of these things:
- mocking
- sarcasm
- disrespect
- name-calling
- eye-rolling
- sneering
Avoiding criticism. Gottman also warns against being critical. Criticism is not meant to help, it is simply a discharge of your own personal frustrations. Rather than criticize, share *I feel, when…* statements (said calmly and politely) and leave some quiet space for your partner to respond and respect your needs.
Stopping stonewalling behavior. Stonewalling is another of what Gottman calls the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse (destroyers of relationships). Stonewalling looks like:
- Refusing to have a conversation on a difficult topic
- Silent treatment
- Stubbornness/refusal to change or adapt

What nice is not:

Denial (Just because you are being polite, doesn’t mean that your partner isn’t an idiot sometimes. Face the things that are wrong, decide what YOU need to do in relation to those things and then talk about it.)
Codependence (Is your identity swallowed up in your significant other? Are you only okay if he/she is happy? That’s toxic to you and to the relationship.)
Being a doormat (Healthy people set boundaries for themselves and what they will do with or put up from their partner.)
Never having your own opinion (Healthy couples have 2 individuals who bring their individual thoughts to the table. This creates a rich relationship.)
Agreeing with everything your significant other says or does
Avoiding healthy confrontation

This sounds like wise advice, right? But it is not so easy once you are past the honeymoon phase in a relationship. After those first *fall-in-love* hormones dissipate, being nice can often be an act of your will. A choice.

A good choice.

Good relationships are good for you and for the world around you.

Are you ready to do some great personal growth? Contact me for life-changing Life Coaching.

Maybe the Number One Tip for Relationship Success: Be Nice!

10 Things You Should Never Say to Someone You Care About

May 28, 2017 by Vicki Tillman 2 Comments

Here are 10 things you should never say to someone you care about- and what to say instead.

10 Things You Should Never Say to Someone You Care About

I’ve been working with people for many years. Almost all people have some person or persons they care about:

friends
family
spouse
significant other
colleagues

I’ve also noticed that sometimes people have some communication patterns that become toxic to their close relationships. In other words, they say stupid things that, over time, destroy the relationships closest to them!

Don’t let this happen to you! Here are 10 things you should never say to someone you care about (and what you should say instead).

1. That’s just the way I am!

That’s such a cop out. When you are tempted to let that come out of your mouth, ask yourself, “Is this relationship important to me? If so, maybe I should listen and grow!”

2. You NEVER…

For one, it is probably not true… Never is pretty infinite. It automatically separates you from the person you care about, putting a wall as big a some presidents want between the US and Mexico, between you and the person you care about. How about this instead: “It bothers me when you…”

3. You ALWAYS…

Just like in *You NEVER*, this is probably an exaggeration- and an exaggeration that divides. ALWAYS is pretty hard to change (or want to change). How about this instead: “When you do this, I feel…”

4. I NEVER…

Well, when you said *I NEVER*, you just promised your loved one that you don’t care enough about them to grow. It tells them they are not valued by you! How about this: “This is hard for me…”

5. I ALWAYS…

You can’t have good relationships and be inflexible. *ALWAYS* is an inflexible word. Try something less intense, “I sometimes…”

6. I won’t…

If it is not a moral or ethical issue, then why *won’t* your relationship? When you said, “won’t” you placed a glass ceiling on the relationship, a glass ceiling of dysfunction. Try this instead, “Let’s change up our thinking on this. Let’s find an out-the-box, creative solution for this issue!”

7. I hate…

If you just said that to the person you care about, you’ve lost their trust. If you said it to them about someone else, you’ve just lost their trust. There can’t be hatred and trust at the same time. Try this instead, “I’m so angry about…”

8. I HAVE to…

I HAVE to…pay the bills? That’s good, say that. I HAVE to…wash the dishes? That’s good, say that. But most of the time we use “I HAVE to” as an excuse not to listen to the advice or needs of the person we care about. How about, “I’ll pray about what you said…”

9. I’m too busy…

That’s a great way to de-value the person you care about! How about this instead, “I want to make you a priority. Give me a minute to figure something out…”

10. You’re JUST A…

This is usually followed by an insult. Insults are always toxic, even if they are followed by, “just kidding”. In this case, just keep your mouth shut. As Thumper from Bambi said, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say nothin’ at all.”

Want some coaching on how to communicate with people you care about? Contact me here or call 302-738-6859 for an appointment.

10 Things You Should Never Say to Someone You Care About

10 Fundamental Soft Skills for Relationship and Career Success

May 5, 2017 by Vicki Tillman 2 Comments

Here are 10 fundamental soft skills for relationship and career success.

10 Fundamental Soft Skills for Relationship and Career Success

No matter what career you choose, you will need to develop hard skills specific to that career. Counselors need to have great therapy skills. Engineers need great skills in mathematics and problem solving. Doctors need great anatomy and systems knowledge skills. Hard skills specific your career on a great resume are the keys to earn you an interview.

No matter what relationship you choose, you will need some hard skills, too: How to wash dishes, pay bills, take care of laundry.

JUST AS IMPORTANT as hard skills, are SOFT SKILLS. No matter what career you choose or relationship you choose, to be successful you will develop these 10 fundamental soft skills:

Self-motivated- You have a good work ethic. You will get a job done. You pull your weight in work or relationship.
Personal Style- You aware of yourself. You know your personality, your strengths and your weaknesses. You are comfortable with who you are. (Sign up for my newsletter and I’ll send you my list of personality test links.)
Respectfully Aware of Others- You are aware of others. Whether others include colleagues, supervisors, spouses or children, you are polite and agreeable. You are also as assertive as you need to be.
Presence/Active Listening- You listen to what colleagues, supervisors or loved ones say. You listen not only so that you have a savvy answer, but truly listening for their content. You can repeat back what they said if the situation arises. You never interrupt.
Verbal Communication- Your words are positive. When you need to be persuasive, you do so without intimidation or anger. You have an appropriate sense of humor.
Non-verbal Communication- You smile freely and try to avoid the *resting bitch face*. You use the magic non-verbals to set people at ease while showing confidence. (Download this freebie.)
Team Work- You are able to take leadership and/or followership on a team. You are able to allow credit to go where credit is due. You help people feel good about themselves because of the encouragement they received while working with you!
Creative Thinking- You are able to brainstorm. You use your thoughts and words creatively when necessary. You appreciate beautiful things and ideas.
Problem Solving- You are willing to work on a problem until it has a solution. You talk things out looking for solutions, not vindication.
Trustworthy- You are able to say, “I’m wrong”. You will do what is asked and more. You honestly handle time and resources.

Are you ready for some expert coaching to help you hone your soft skills? Contact me!

10 Fundamental Soft Skills for Relationship and Career Success

How Not to Lose It: 3 W’s of Composure

January 1, 2017 by Vicki Tillman 2 Comments

Here’s how not to lose it: 3 W’s of Composure.

3 W’s of Composure

Ever noticed that every time you lose it, no one remembers WHY you lost it? They only remember that you’re the kind of person who loses it.

In fact, losing it generally gives folks permission to discount anything you had to say. That’s not good if you’re trying to:

Make an impact at work
Get a loved one to understand what you need and why
Sway the opinions of a committee on something important to you
Prevent a bully from badgering you
Stop an injustice

The problem with losing it is that…you lose it- your power, your influence.

You start out with good composure then the person you are dealing with does or says something or simply marginalizes your input. It’s just too hard. You start to steam. Fight or flight kicks in. So you fight or flee.

Then nothing good happens.

So how do you maintain composure?

Train yourself well on the 3 W’s.

What am I feeling? Train yourself to quickly assess what you’re feeling. That may sound irritating and slow, but think about it. When you explode, meltdown, lose it you’re not really aware of what you’re feeling. You’re simply gut reacting. Take control. Ask yourself: What am I feeling?

Why am I feeling that way? Quickly ask yourself why you’re feeling what you’re feeling. There’s a reason for what you’re feeling. No one’s listening, people are being rude, your thoughts are being discounted, you are being insulted…

What am I going to do about it? This is the important one. Make a decision. The minute you make a decision, if it is a rational decision, your neural activity switches from the fight-or-flight area of the brain to the frontal lobe of your brain. That’s the part of the brain where you are smart, strong and savvy.

You can decide:

To stop talking and breathe, biding your time until you have more allies
To walk away
To stop talking until your composure returns
Move to Hawaii…whatever

While it may take a while to restore calm inside, your demeanor will look more like composure. This keeps you in a place of grace and power.

Of course, the 3 W’s are difficult to manage if you are experiencing HALT. The folks from AA learned this years ago: If you are Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired, it is darned hard to be rational.

That means whenever possible, as much as you have control over it: Don’t go into a tense situation before mealtime, when you’re already irritated, when you are feeling rejected, or you slept dismally last night.

If you don’t have control over your condition, keep breathing and keep plugging through the 3 W’s. Keep your composure!

It helps to practice mindfulness of some kind. My 2 favorite mindful activities are Progressive Relaxation and the Ignatian Examen.

When you’re ready for some coaching to help keep you in an empowered-communication place, contact me.

3 W’s of Composure

College Freshmen Leaving for College: How a Parent Can Help

August 17, 2016 by Vicki Tillman Leave a Comment

College Freshmen Leaving for College: How a Parent Can Help

It’s tough for parents dropping that first kid off at college. It’s even tougher the when we drop that second kid at their dorm- because we remember how hard it was leaving that first kid on their own!

This is one of the crucial times in parents’ lives! We have to let our kids grow up…and we have to let go…AND we still have to be available. How, how, how can we do it?

Here are 9 tips I’ve learned as a mom and a coach about college freshmen leaving for college: how a parent can help.

3 tips for discussions with our freshmen before leaving for college:

Discuss their goals. Your young persons might forget they can’t succeed without goals. Without goals any human will loose time and motivation and be easily sidetracked.
Discuss your expectations. If you are paying for college, you have a voice (but not control).
Pray.

3 tips for dropping college freshmen off at the dorm:

Accompany them to their dorm room, help carry their stuff in, act excited about how cool it will look when they get everything arranged.
Leave…as in, go home. Don’t linger, try not to cry, don’t make a fuss. You want to leave your freshmen feeling like you have all the confidence in the world in them.
Get in the car and cry all the way home if you want. THAT’S okay…then PRAY.

3 tips for handling your college freshmen’s first semester:

Don’t call them every day. Really. Don’t. Give them space to grow. If you are their best friend, they might not make new ones- which isn’t cool.
Don’t be a helicopter parent. Be available if they have questions but don’t do their work or their advocating for them. This is hard because you could handle their glitches or concerns so much more quickly and efficiently…but then your freshman is robbed of the chance to learn vital life skills.
Let them make their own mistakes…unless you suspect self-harm, addiction, complete lostness. Then you step in and help them connect to resources and safety. Otherwise, some stupid mistakes make unforgettable learning experiences. (The only way to handle this tip is to place your freshmen in God’s care, in other words: PRAY.)

It actually does take a lot of prayer (and support) to let your teens become a fully-alive college freshmen! It’s worth the investment. Walk through this life transition with support: contact me at VickiTillmanCoaching.com.

College Freshmen Leaving for College: How a Parent Can Help

20-Something World Implosion: How to Un-implode!

July 17, 2016 by Vicki Tillman 4 Comments

What is 20-something world implosion? How to un-implode it?

20-Something World Implosion: How to Un-implode!

20-Somethings are some of my favorite coachees. Here’s something I’ve noticed with many of you:

Your world implodes in the 2 years after college!

What is *world implosion*?

When you’re in college there’s a lot of life happening organically. You naturally know people from classes, dorms, organizations and activities. You develop GREAT friendships. Often, you find a significant other. And you really didn’t have to work that hard at making these relationships. They happen because of proximity: you are simply around each other. Proximity gives you a world, a life!

Then graduation happens… and people get real jobs, real careers, in really far-away places. Very often the wonderful peer-group of college days spreads out all over America.

What happens next is you are going to work, coming home, maybe stopping at the gym on the way home. Then the next day you are going to work, coming home, maybe stopping at the gym on the way home.

Before you know it, it feels like you DON’T have a world, and WHAT’S a life?

Sound familiar? Well then: 20-Something world implosion…how to un-implode?

Here are 3 steps to un-implode your world:

Get out of denial. You aren’t going to get a life the way you got a life in college. Life usually doesn’t happen like that once you’re in the workforce.
Face the need to get busy. I know you’re tired, but you’re going to have to get busy anyway- doing NEW things.
Start exploring. Find a new thing to do each week. Look online. Local online news sources or meet-ups often list open activities of community organizations. Find a group that is doing something interesting or useful (running or hiking groups, book clubs, Habitat for Humanity, churches- things like that). Plan on visiting 2 groups a month until you find your thing(s).
Visit the first time, use your social skills. Download the FREEBIE Confidence-Building Skills for Meeting New People for tips on breaking into a new group. Remember, when you’re the newbie in a group, the group has to prove itself to you (*Are they friendly?*) not you proving yourself to the group (NOT: *Are you interesting?*).
Keep exploring. Eventually you will land on a group that is so much fun and so friendly that you’ll keep going back. Those people will become your new peer group.
As you keep the adventure going, your world will become bigger– not in the same way it happened in college. When you’re 20-Something world un-implosion won’t really be organic; it must be intentional!

One thing that really helps when you’re un-imploding your world is to know yourself well and feel comfortable with who you are. The best way to do this is to work with a life transition coach. Contact me today to get started on the adventure of un-imploding your world!

20-Something World Implosion: How to Un-implode!

Healthy Guide to Finding a Lifelong Relationship

July 4, 2016 by Vicki Tillman Leave a Comment

Ready to start the adventure of finding a partner? Here’s a healthy guide to finding a lifelong relationship.

Healthy Guide to Finding a Lifelong Relationship

One of my favorite things is coaching people when they are ready for the life transition from being single to finding a lifelong relationship. Whether a person is 25 or 52 the journey is similar- IF you want to be a healthy person finding a healthy relationship!

Here’s the things my coachees have sometimes learned the hard way:

You won’t find that healthy person at the bars.
You won’t find that healthy person constantly gaming online.
You won’t find that healthy person already married to someone else. (Think about that one: You’re about to get involved with someone who isn’t able to remain faithful to relationships. Is that what you want?)

Here is a healthy guide to finding a lifelong relationship.

*Make an “absolute-musts” list. (Write down and memorize 5-10 must-haves in a person you’d be willing to spend your life with. If you don’t know what you need you’ll end up with someone who is not what you need.)

*Make a “no-chihuahua” rule for yourself. (Chihuahua’s are the people who rush in, bounce around in your face, giving and demanding attention but being SO charming and ubiquitous that you can’t see anyone else. The minute you marry a chihuahua, they know they have you- so they sit back and say “take care of me!”…and your life becomes awful!)

*Get involved. (Like I said, the person of your dreams is not at the bar and not gaming with every free minute. Healthy people are involved in the community. They volunteer, they are in interest groups, they are involved in church, are living life connected with people. AND they are looking for people who are involved and connected!)

*Don’t worry about making a good impression. (Put your efforts into using your listening and learning skills. If you show you are attentive and interested in the other person, you will be more impressive than if you were trying to be impressive. Does that make sense?)

*Loose the co-dependency. (If you need to rescue, fix or control, you’re going to create a disaster. This is a good time to work on life transitions coaching to help you develop healthy relationship skills.)

*Love yourself. (People are able to love you as much as you love yourself. No human can fill the void created by self-hatred.)

*Remove your walls. (How have you walled yourself off? Snarky conversation? Angry non-verbals- got a “resting bitch-face”? Significantly overweight? Addictions? Is it time for some coaching or counseling?)

*Start your journey by getting to know yourself again. Download the Trail Guide to Writing a Personal Mission Statement. Then contact me and we’ll get busy doing some enlightening, inspirational coaching to get your ready for a lifelong relationship.

How to Ask for a Favor and Not Leave a Terrible Impression