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Maybe the Number One Tip for Relationship Success: Be Nice!

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Maybe the Number One tip for relationship success: Be nice!

Maybe the Number One Tip for Relationship Success: Be Nice! VickiTillmanCoaching.com

Maybe the Number One Tip for Relationship Success: Be Nice!

I’m not being trite here. This may be the #1 way to make a relationship more successful. Listen to my reasoning:

What *nice* is:

  • Speaking in a respectful tone of voice
  • Perspective taking
  • Daily noticing your partner (deeds, personality, ideas, values). Harvard psychologist and researcher, Ellen Langer, suggests that daily naming 5 things about your parter will significantly improve your relationship.
  • Refusing to show contempt. Daniel Gottman, marriage expert, says the #1 predictor of divorce is a couple that shows contempt. Contempt looks like one or more of these things:
    • mocking
    • sarcasm
    • disrespect
    • name-calling
    • eye-rolling
    • sneering
  • Avoiding criticism. Gottman also warns against being critical. Criticism is not meant to help, it is simply a discharge of your own personal frustrations. Rather than criticize, share *I feel, when…* statements (said calmly and politely) and leave some quiet space for your partner to respond and respect your needs.
  • Stopping stonewalling behavior. Stonewalling is another of what Gottman calls the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse (destroyers of relationships). Stonewalling looks like:
    • Refusing to have a conversation on a difficult topic
    • Silent treatment
    • Stubbornness/refusal to change or adapt

What *nice* is not:

  • Denial (Just because you are being polite, doesn’t mean that your partner isn’t an idiot sometimes. Face the things that are wrong, decide what YOU need to do in relation to those things and then talk about it.)
  • Codependence (Is your identity swallowed up in your significant other? Are you only okay if he/she is happy? That’s toxic to you and to the relationship.)
  • Being a doormat (Healthy people set boundaries for themselves and what they will do with or put up from their partner.)
  • Never having your own opinion (Healthy couples have 2 individuals who bring their individual thoughts to the table. This creates a rich relationship.)
  • Agreeing with everything your significant other says or does
  • Avoiding healthy confrontation

This sounds like wise advice, right? But it is not so easy once you are past the honeymoon phase in a relationship. After those first *fall-in-love* hormones dissipate, being nice can often be an act of your will. A choice.

A good choice.

Good relationships are good for you and for the world around you.

Are you ready to do some great personal growth? Contact me for life-changing Life Coaching.

Maybe the Number One Tip for Relationship Success: Be Nice!

5 Emotionally Healthy Reasons to Find 5 Emotionally Healthy Friends

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Here are 5 emotionally healthy reasons to find 5 emotionally healthy friends.

5 Emotionally Healthy Reasons to Find 5 Emotionally Healthy Friends VickiTillmanCoaching.com

5 Emotionally Healthy Reasons to Find 5 Emotionally Healthy Friends

Friendships are necessary for human health and wellbeing. If you want to truly want to live the “good life”, according to Aristotle, you need to have good friends.

Friendship is usually not too difficult for extraverts, but even introverts need good friends…and by “good friends”, I mean “emotionally healthy friends”.

Here are 5 emotionally healthy reasons to find 5 emotionally healthy friends:

Reason #1: You become like the 5 people you hang around with most

Whether the people you are engaged with are online or IRL, the 5 people you are with most frequently are the people who will most influence your thoughts, decisions, beliefs and behaviors.

A great quote from Colin Powell says it well:

“Be careful where you stop to inquire for directions along the road of life. Wise is the person who fortifies his life with the right friendships. If you run with wolves, you will learn how to howl. But, if you associate with eagles, you will learn how to soar to great heights.”

The Bible says in Proverbs 13:20 says the “He who walks with wise men shall be wise…”. (Tillman version)

Research shows this. If you have friends who eat healthily, you are more likely to eat healthily. You’ve noticed this, I’m sure. When people get new friends, they change. They are subconsciously or consciously influenced by them to become like them. (You are also influencing your friends, too.)

Reason #2: Emotionally healthy friendships are good for your brain

Ever had one of those moments with a friend where you both have the same thought? Or maybe you both worked on figuring out a tough problem, then you came to a mutual resolution (an “aha” moment)? Or you listened deeply to one another and each of you felt heard?

At those moments, you both did some rewiring of your brains…mutual rewiring. This increases both your brains’ neuroplasticity (your resilience and neural health).

Healthy friendships help train our brains for empathy and prosocial skills…if we have emotionally healthy friendships. The opposite can also be true: emotionally unhealthy friends stimulate us instinctively toward their unhealthy behaviors. This is because our brains have “mirror neurons” that instinctively imitate the things we see other people do. 

Healthy friends contribute to healthy brains.

Reason #3: Emotionally healthy friendships help you be successful

Research shows that people who have a best friend at work are 7 times more likely to feel engaged with their job.

Emotionally healthy friends will encourage you to achieve your goals. Another great quote from Colin Powell: 

“Friends that don’t help you climb will want you to crawl. Your friends will stretch your vision or choke your dream. Those that don’t increase you will eventually decrease you.”

Reason #4: Close friendships may help reduce depression levels over time and help you build self-worth

Having good friends may help to reduce depression and anxiety levels over time. One recent study found that adolescents that have close friends as teens, had lower levels of depression and anxiety when they reached age 25. Teens with close friends also tend to have better self-worth as adults.

Adults do feel better with friends, too. If you didn’t have many friends as a teen, now is the time to get started.

Reason #6: Good role models believe in good friendship

We know that some of the wisest people in history believed in good friendship. Here are just 2 of them:

Aristotle:

In poverty and other misfortunes of life, true friends are a sure refuge. The young they keep out of mischief; to the old they are a comfort and aid in their weakness, and those in the prime of life they incite to noble deeds.

C.S. Lewis:

Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art… It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.

What is emotionally healthy friendship?

Does emotionally healthy friendship mean that none of your friends can experience depression, anxiety or other struggles? No! (That’s not even possible. Everyone experiences depression or anxiety sometimes.)

Emotionally healthy friends are friends that:

  • Have goodwill towards you. (They wish you well-being. They want the best for you.)
  • Celebrate when you have a success.
  • Listen.
  • Call you out on your garbage…but are not critical or belittling.
  • Are mutual (able to invest support as well as receive support from a relationship).
  • Don’t hog your attention.

Where do you find emotionally healthy friends?

  • Your significant other can count as one.
  • Family counts (but not as all 5 of your friends).
  • You can find friends at work or in various organizations.
  • You can find friends in the digital world, too.

Best wishes finding some great friends!

5 Emotionally Healthy Reasons to Find 5Emotionally Healthy Friends

10 Things You Should Never Say to Someone You Care About

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Here are 10 things you should never say to someone you care about- and what to say instead.

10 Things You Should Never Say to Someone You Care About VickiTillmanCoaching.com

10 Things You Should Never Say to Someone You Care About

I’ve been working with people for many years. Almost all people have some person or persons they care about:

  • friends
  • family
  • spouse
  • significant other
  • colleagues

I’ve also noticed that sometimes people have some communication patterns that become toxic to their close relationships. In other words, they say stupid things that, over time, destroy the relationships closest to them!

Don’t let this happen to you! Here are 10 things you should never say to someone you care about (and what you should say instead).

1. That’s just the way I am! 

That’s such a cop out. When you are tempted to let that come out of your mouth, ask yourself, “Is this relationship important to me? If so, maybe I should listen and grow!”

2. You NEVER…

For one, it is probably not true… Never is pretty infinite. It automatically separates you from the person you care about, putting a wall as big a some presidents want between the US and Mexico, between you and the person you care about. How about this instead: “It bothers me when you…”

3. You ALWAYS…

Just like in *You NEVER*, this is probably an exaggeration- and an exaggeration that divides. ALWAYS is pretty hard to change (or want to change). How about this instead: “When you do this, I feel…”

4. I NEVER…

Well, when you said *I NEVER*, you just promised your loved one that you don’t care enough about them to grow. It tells them they are not valued by you! How about this: “This is hard for me…”

5. I ALWAYS…

You can’t have good relationships and be inflexible. *ALWAYS* is an inflexible word. Try something less intense, “I sometimes…”

6. I won’t…

If it is not a moral or ethical issue, then why *won’t* your relationship? When you said, “won’t” you placed a glass ceiling on the relationship, a glass ceiling of dysfunction. Try this instead, “Let’s change up our thinking on this. Let’s find an out-the-box, creative solution for this issue!”

7. I hate…

If you just said that to the person you care about, you’ve lost their trust. If you said it to them about someone else, you’ve just lost their trust. There can’t be hatred and trust at the same time. Try this instead, “I’m so angry about…”

8. I HAVE to…

I HAVE to…pay the bills? That’s good, say that. I HAVE to…wash the dishes? That’s good, say that. But most of the time we use “I HAVE to” as an excuse not to listen to the advice or needs of the person we care about. How about, “I’ll pray about what you said…”

9. I’m too busy…

That’s a great way to de-value the person you care about! How about this instead, “I want to make you a priority. Give me a minute to figure something out…”

10. You’re JUST A…

This is usually followed by an insult. Insults are always toxic, even if they are followed by, “just kidding”. In this case, just keep your mouth shut. As Thumper from Bambi said, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say nothin’ at all.”

Want some coaching on how to communicate with people you care about? Contact me here or call 302-738-6859 for an appointment.

10 Things You Should Never Say to Someone You Care About

10 Fundamental Soft Skills for Relationship and Career Success

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Here are 10 fundamental soft skills for relationship and career success.

10 Fundamental Soft Skills for Relationship and Career Success VickiTillmanCoaching.com

10 Fundamental Soft Skills for Relationship and Career Success

No matter what career you choose, you will need to develop hard skills specific to that career. Counselors need to have great therapy skills. Engineers need great skills in mathematics and problem solving. Doctors need great anatomy and systems knowledge skills. Hard skills specific your career on a great resume are the keys to earn you an interview.

No matter what relationship you choose, you will need some hard skills, too: How to wash dishes, pay bills, take care of laundry.

JUST AS IMPORTANT as hard skills, are SOFT SKILLS. No matter what career you choose or relationship you choose, to be successful you will develop these 10 fundamental soft skills:

  1. Self-motivated- You have a good work ethic. You will get a job done. You pull your weight in work or relationship.
  2. Personal Style- You aware of yourself. You know your personality, your strengths and your weaknesses. You are comfortable with who you are. (Sign up for my newsletter and I’ll send you my list of personality test links.)
  3. Respectfully Aware of Others- You are aware of others. Whether others include colleagues, supervisors, spouses or children, you are polite and agreeable. You are also as assertive as you need to be.Confidence-Building Skills for Meeting New People VickiTillmanCoaching.com
  4. Presence/Active Listening- You listen to what colleagues, supervisors or loved ones say. You listen not only so that you have a savvy answer, but truly listening for their content. You can repeat back what they said if the situation arises. You never interrupt.
  5. Verbal Communication- Your words are positive. When you need to be persuasive, you do so without intimidation or anger. You have an appropriate sense of humor.
  6. Non-verbal Communication- You smile freely and try to avoid the *resting bitch face*. You use the magic non-verbals to set people at ease while showing confidence. (Download this freebie.)
  7. Team Work- You are able to take leadership and/or followership on a team. You are able to allow credit to go where credit is due. You help people feel good about themselves because of the encouragement they received while working with you!
  8. Creative Thinking- You are able to brainstorm. You use your thoughts and words creatively when necessary. You appreciate beautiful things and ideas.
  9. Problem Solving- You are willing to work on a problem until it has a solution. You talk things out looking for solutions, not vindication.
  10. Trustworthy- You are able to say, “I’m wrong”. You will do what is asked and more. You honestly handle time and resources.

Are you ready for some expert coaching to help you hone your soft skills? Contact me!

10 Fundamental Soft Skills for Relationship and Career Success

How Not to Lose It: 3 W’s of Composure

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Here’s how not to lose it: 3 W’s of Composure.

How Not to Lose It: 3 W's of Composure VickiTillmanCoaching.com

3 W’s of Composure

Ever noticed that every time you lose it, no one remembers WHY you lost it? They only remember that you’re the kind of person who loses it.

In fact, losing it generally gives folks permission to discount anything you had to say. That’s not good if you’re trying to:

  • Make an impact at work
  • Get a loved one to understand what you need and why
  • Sway the opinions of a committee on something important to you
  • Prevent a bully from badgering you
  • Stop an injustice

The problem with losing it is that…you lose it- your power, your influence.

You start out with good composure then the person you are dealing with does or says something or simply marginalizes your input. It’s just too hard. You start to steam. Fight or flight kicks in. So you fight or flee.

Then nothing good happens.

So how do you maintain composure?

Train yourself well on the 3 W’s.

What am I feeling? Train yourself to quickly assess what you’re feeling. That may sound irritating and slow, but think about it. When you explode, meltdown, lose it you’re not really aware of what you’re feeling. You’re simply gut reacting. Take control. Ask yourself: What am I feeling?

Why am I feeling that way? Quickly ask yourself why you’re feeling what you’re feeling. There’s a reason for what you’re feeling. No one’s listening, people are being rude, your thoughts are being discounted, you are being insulted…

What am I going to do about it? This is the important one. Make a decision. The minute you make a decision, if it is a rational decision, your neural activity switches from the fight-or-flight area of the brain to the frontal lobe of your brain. That’s the part of the brain where you are smart, strong and savvy. 

You can decide:

  • To stop talking and breathe, biding your time until you have more allies
  • To walk away
  • To stop talking until your composure returns
  • Move to Hawaii…whateverProgressive Relaxation

While it may take a while to restore calm inside, your demeanor will look more like composure. This keeps you in a place of grace and power.

Of course, the 3 W’s are difficult to manage if you are experiencing HALT. The folks from AA learned this years ago: If you are Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired, it is darned hard to be rational.

That means whenever possible, as much as you have control over it: Don’t go into a tense situation before mealtime, when you’re already irritated, when you are feeling rejected, or you slept dismally last night.

If you don’t have control over your condition, keep breathing and keep plugging through the 3 W’s. Keep your composure!Ignatian Examen

It helps to practice mindfulness of some kind. My 2 favorite mindful activities are Progressive Relaxation and the Ignatian Examen.

When you’re ready for some coaching to help keep you in an empowered-communication place, contact me.

3 W’s of Composure

College Freshmen Leaving for College: How a Parent Can Help

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College Freshmen Leaving for College: How a Parent Can Help

Freshmen leaving for college VickiTillmanCoaching.com

College Freshmen Leaving for College: How a Parent Can Help

It’s tough for parents dropping that first kid off at college. It’s even tougher the when we drop that second kid at their dorm- because we remember how hard it was leaving that first kid on their own!

This is one of the crucial times in parents’ lives! We have to let our kids grow up…and we have to let go…AND we still have to be available. How, how, how can we do it?

Here are 9 tips I’ve learned as a mom and a coach about college freshmen leaving for college: how a parent can help.

3 tips for discussions with our freshmen before leaving for college:

  • Discuss their goals. Your young persons might forget they can’t succeed without goals. Without goals any human will loose time and motivation and be easily sidetracked.
  • Discuss your expectations. If you are paying for college, you have a voice (but not control).
  • Pray.

3 tips for dropping college freshmen off at the dorm:

  • Accompany them to their dorm room, help carry their stuff in, act excited about how cool it will look when they get everything arranged.
  • Leave…as in, go home. Don’t linger, try not to cry, don’t make a fuss. You want to leave your freshmen feeling like you have all the confidence in the world in them.
  • Get in the car and cry all the way home if you want. THAT’S okay…then PRAY.

3 tips for handling your college freshmen’s first semester:

  • Don’t call them every day. Really. Don’t. Give them space to grow. If you are their best friend, they might not make new ones- which isn’t cool.
  • Don’t be a helicopter parent. Be available if they have questions but don’t do their work or their advocating for them. This is hard because you could handle their glitches or concerns so much more quickly and efficiently…but then your freshman is robbed of the chance to learn vital life skills.
  • Let them make their own mistakes…unless you suspect self-harm, addiction, complete lostness. Then you step in and help them connect to resources and safety. Otherwise, some stupid mistakes make unforgettable learning experiences. (The only way to handle this tip is to place your freshmen in God’s care, in other words: PRAY.) Ignatian Examen VickiTillmanCoaching.com

It actually does take a lot of prayer (and support) to let your teens become a fully-alive college freshmen! It’s worth the investment. Walk through this life transition with support: contact me at VickiTillmanCoaching.com.

College Freshmen Leaving for College: How a Parent Can Help

20-Something World Implosion: How to Un-implode!

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What is 20-something world implosion? How to un-implode it?

20 Something World Implosion: How to fix it! VickiTIllmanCoaching.com

20-Something World Implosion: How to Un-implode!

20-Somethings are some of my favorite coachees. Here’s something I’ve noticed with many of you:

Your world implodes in the 2 years after college!

What is *world implosion*?

When you’re in college there’s a lot of life happening organically. You naturally know people from classes, dorms, organizations and activities. You develop GREAT friendships. Often, you find a significant other. And you really didn’t have to work that hard at making these relationships. They happen because of proximity: you are simply around each other. Proximity gives you a world, a life!

Then graduation happens… and people get real jobs, real careers, in really far-away places. Very often the wonderful peer-group of college days spreads out all over America.

What happens next is you are going to work, coming home, maybe stopping at the gym on the way home. Then the next day you are going to work, coming home, maybe stopping at the gym on the way home.

Before you know it, it feels like you DON’T have a world, and WHAT’S a life?

Sound familiar? Well then: 20-Something world implosion…how to un-implode?

Here are 3 steps to un-implode your world:

  1. Get out of denial. You aren’t going to get a life the way you got a life in college. Life usually doesn’t happen like that once you’re in the workforce.
  2. Face the need to get busy. I know you’re tired, but you’re going to have to get busy anyway- doing NEW things.
  3. Start exploring. Find a new thing to do each week. Look online. Local online news sources or meet-ups often list open activities of community organizations. Find a group that is doing something interesting or useful (running or hiking groups, book clubs, Habitat for Humanity, churches- things like that). Plan on visiting 2 groups a month until you find your thing(s).Confidence-Building Skills for Meeting New People VickiTillmanCoaching.com
  4. Visit the first time, use your social skills. Download the FREEBIE Confidence-Building Skills for Meeting New People for tips on breaking into a new group. Remember, when you’re the newbie in a group, the group has to prove itself to you (*Are they friendly?*) not you proving yourself to the group (NOT: *Are you interesting?*).
  5. Keep exploring. Eventually you will land on a group that is so much fun and so friendly that you’ll keep going back. Those people will become your new peer group.
  6. As you keep the adventure going, your world will become bigger– not in the same way it happened in college. When you’re 20-Something world un-implosion won’t really be organic; it must be intentional!

One thing that really helps when you’re un-imploding your world is to know yourself well and feel comfortable with who you are. The best way to do this is to work with a life transition coach. Contact me today to get started on the adventure of un-imploding your world!

20-Something World Implosion: How to Un-implode!

Healthy Guide to Finding a Lifelong Relationship

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Ready to start the adventure of finding a partner? Here’s a healthy guide to finding a lifelong relationship.

Healthy Guide to Finding a Lifelong Relationship VickiTillmanCoaching.com

Healthy Guide to Finding a Lifelong Relationship

One of my favorite things is coaching people when they are ready for the life transition from being single to finding a lifelong relationship. Whether a person is 25 or 52 the journey is similar- IF you want to be a healthy person finding a healthy relationship!

Here’s the things my coachees have sometimes learned the hard way:

  • You won’t find that healthy person at the bars.
  • You won’t find that healthy person constantly gaming online.
  • You won’t find that healthy person already married to someone else. (Think about that one: You’re about to get involved with someone who isn’t able to remain faithful to relationships. Is that what you want?)

Here is a healthy guide to finding a lifelong relationship.

*Make an “absolute-musts” list. (Write down and memorize 5-10 must-haves in a person you’d be willing to spend your life with. If you don’t know what you need you’ll end up with someone who is not what you need.)

*Make a “no-chihuahua” rule for yourself. (Chihuahua’s are the people who rush in, bounce around in your face, giving and demanding attention but being SO charming and ubiquitous that you can’t see anyone else. The minute you marry a chihuahua, they know they have you- so they sit back and say “take care of me!”…and your life becomes awful!)

*Get involved. (Like I said, the person of your dreams is not at the bar and not gaming with every free minute. Healthy people are involved in the community. They volunteer, they are in interest groups, they are involved in church, are living life connected with people. AND they are looking for people who are involved and connected!)

*Don’t worry about making a good impression. (Put your efforts into using your listening and learning skills. If you show you are attentive and interested in the other person, you will be more impressive than if you were trying to be impressive. Does that make sense?)

*Loose the co-dependency. (If you need to rescue, fix or control, you’re going to create a disaster. This is a good time to work on life transitions coaching to help you develop healthy relationship skills.)Trail Guide to Writing Your Personal Mission Statement VickiTillmanCoaching.com

*Love yourself. (People are able to love you as much as you love yourself. No human can fill the void created by self-hatred.)

*Remove your walls. (How have you walled yourself off? Snarky conversation? Angry non-verbals- got a “resting bitch-face”? Significantly overweight? Addictions? Is it time for some coaching or counseling?)

*Start your journey by getting to know yourself again. Download the Trail Guide to Writing a Personal Mission Statement. Then contact me and we’ll get busy doing some enlightening, inspirational coaching to get your ready for a lifelong relationship.

Healthy Guide to Finding a Lifelong Relationship