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Three Ways to Increase Your Friendships

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When I’m working with coachees on increasing their life satisfaction, we frequently work on friendships. Many people, after the college years, discover that their friendship base has shrunk. Old friends move away or start new life rhythms that do not fit into the old friendship routines.

However, life without friendships is not a good idea. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy reports that people with poor or insufficient human connection can put their health at risk (with 29% increased risk of heart problems, 32% increased risk of stroke, 50% increased risk of dementia in older adults and 60% increased risk of early death).

Having friendships also improves your emotional health. We humans tend to be more emotionally healthy with regular friend connections, being less anxious and depressed.

So, let’s talk about three ways to increase your friendships!

What can be done to increase new friendships?

There are lots of ways to build new friendships!

1. Start with finding new groups of people

New friends are not likely to come knocking on your door. You have the wonderful opportunity to go out and try new things until you find a new friend group. I recommend trying something new at least once or twice a month until you find the right-fit people. Don’t give up, you will find them if you keep trying. (Besides, trying new things is really good for you.)

Here are some places to look:

*Local meetups

*Causes, interests or hobbies you are interested in

*Community classes (arts, music, topics)

*Lectures or book clubs at local libraries and book stores

*Churches or other faith organizations that hold values that are similar to yours

*IRL meetup groups based on favorite podcasts or social media groups

*Volunteer work (check your local newspaper, social media, favorite organizations for information)

2. Talk well to yourself about trying out the groups you find

It can be challenging to try out new things, especially if you feel shy or anxious. Here are some ways to help:

*If your brain tells you that no one will like you or talk to you, tell your brain that you do not need to make a negative prediction. Instead, try a positive and empowered prediction, such as: “I will go there and give it a try. The people might be friendly and if they are I’ll stay for the whole event. If they are not friendly, I give myself permission to leave.”

*Download this freebie: Confidence-Boosting Skills for Meeting New People.

*Remember this important fact: You do not need to be interesting! You need to be interested. If you get a chance to chat with people during the event, do not put effort into being interesting or impressing anyone. Instead, put your effort into being interested in the person(s) you are talking to.

–Come with some questions you can ask people, such as:

——-How did you get interested in this organization?

——-What are some things that keep you interested in the organization?

3. Take it slow- increast the friendships over time

Friendships often grow best through shared experiences, so get busy becoming part of the organization. Participate in activities, volunteer to help set up and clean up. Soon you will find some kindred spirits that will be interested in you and what you bring to the table. Some of those folks will become interested acquaintances (that is a valid level of friendship), some will become friends that you start hanging out with after the group. Perhaps one might even become a bff!

As you grow through these levels of friendship, you will learn more about how “authentic” or “you” you can be with each person. Eventually, when you find some really good friends, you will be able to be relaxed and authentic. Learn more about six degrees of authenticity in this post.

Over time, your friendship base will grow. You will probably find that you have a number of friends in the different levels of friendship. That’s wonderful!

These three ways to increase your friendships will give you a good start. If you would like some support on building your confidence and skills for building new friendships, try some coaching! You can schedule a no-obligation discovery coaching session with me at this link.

How to Manage Anxiety during Quarantine

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Quarantine is getting old for lots of folks, especially for those who are living alone or are apart from significant loved ones. Here are some healthy ways to manage anxiety during quarantine.

Give yourself a break

Since we are all stuck at home, we should be more productive, right? You WILL feel better when you are productive, but you will also find there are days you need to sit and read or binge Netfix. This is normal and okay.

But not for too long

What you will find is: If there are too many days where you are sitting, doing nothing, you may begin to feel more anxious and depressed. This may be because your mind and body need stimulation. The anxiety and depression may be one way your mind and body tells you to feed it with something to do. (In a similar way, your stomach growls and makes you uncomfortable when it needs some food to digest.)

How can you handle the long-time quarantine?

Create new routines

Quarantines require new routines. Write yourself a schedule for the week (or each evening for the next day). Try making it a gentle schedule (rather than hour-by-hour, write:

When I get up, I will do these things:

Before lunch, I will do these things:

Before dinner, I will do these things:

After dinner, I will do these things:

When you have your ideas for the upcoming day already written out, your brain doesn’t waste any time when you wake up in the morning on decision fatigue. You are also less likely to spend the entire morning scrolling through social media.

Add something new each day to the routine

The sameness is paralyzing. People keep joking that life feels like Groundhog Day because we are stuck in our four walls all day, every day, doing the same things over and over. This causes anxiety, for sure!

It doesn’t matter what the new thing is, but do something new each day. (It doesn’t even need to be interesting, just new) :

Cook a new recipe.

Go out for a walk in a different park.

Try out a new craft you found on YouTube.

Try a new yoga exercise.

Take a class on Edx, Udemy, Coursera, etc.

REALLY. It doesn’t need to be interesting, it just needs to be new. You will find it makes you feel better!

Do a good deed daily

If you make a point of adding a daily good deed to your routines during quarantine, you will feel better. Doing good deeds helps things feel more under control because it is something YOU choose to do. Research has found that doing good deeds also improves health and well-being.

It doesn’t matter about the significance of the good deed. It doesn’t need to be interesting. It just needs to be something that you don’t expect a return from. You could:

Write your old grandma a real letter and mail it.

Bake some cookies and do a social distancing drop off to friends or the old lady down the street.

Smile at the grocery store checkout team and tell them, “Thanks”.

Send your pcp or other favorite doctors a thank you note.

Marie Kondo your closet and do a dropoff at Goodwill or call Purple Heart.

Become a digital volunteer for your favorite political campaign, cause or charity. Google it. There is plenty of information on how-to.

Do something creative daily

Give your body and soul some art and/or music opportunities. Research has shown that creativity is a way of improving our health.

Color. (Download some freebie coloring pages from my resources tab.)

Paint, sew (even sewing masks is creative), sculpt, watch Bob Ross reruns.

Learn to sing or play an instrument (you can watch how-to’s on YouTube), listen to new kinds of music or old favorites.

Make sure your self-care is part of your routine

One thing that contributes to anxiety is dehydration, so drink your water.

Eat enough healthy foods (fruits, vegetables and proteins are the building blocks for neurotransmitter production). Healthy neurotransmitter levels help manage or mitigate anxiety and depression.

Exercise burns off stress hormones, increases dopamine production – which improves the mood and energy levels.

Practice good sleep hygiene. (Limit naps in the daytime, do calming and happy things close to bedtime, do breathing exercises when you go to bed.) Download this freebie on progressive relaxation/deep breathing.

Have a daily dose of laugher

When the Bible said (Proverbs 17:22) that a merry heart does good like a medicine, it was right! Laughter causes the release of endorphins which improve well being and reduce pain. Find ways to make laughter happen.

Watch a silly YouTube channel or favorite Netflix series.

Go online to clean jokes or dad jokes site and read till you laugh.

Practice gratitude daily

You might be surprised how much better you feel body and soul when you practice gratitude. Start a gratitude journal. It’s easy.

Get outside daily

Sunlight provides Vitamin D which enhances mood and immune system. Try to get outside, even for five minutes.

Spending a little time around trees can improve your health. Being near trees could boost your mood, immune system, focus, sleep quality and energy levels.

Find ways to connect reasonably often

Loneliness is bad for your health. During quarantine you have to actively work against loneliness. Be creative. Anything healthy counts.

Take a social distancing walk with friends or family around the neighborhood or a park.

Experiment with phone calls, text threads, Marco Polos, FaceTimes, Voxers with positive friends and family.

Try digital events with friends and family like cooking, games, puzzles, read- alouds, movie nights.

Zoom lunches with friends.

If you feel overwhelmed with anxiety or depression, reach out

Please do not simply wait for the feelings to pass. There is help and hope. Phone a trusted friend, family member or pastor. If you have a counselor, schedule an appointment.

If you are having feelings or thoughts of self harm or suicidal thoughts:

Text a Crisis Line

Call a Crisis Line

This quarantine won’t last forever. Invest in yourself and others while it does last.

How to Increase Motivation to do the Things You Don’t Want to do!

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Whenever tax season rolls around, many of us feel a wave of anxiety followed by a fit of procrastination!

How to Increase Motivation to do the Things You Don't Want to do! Here are some tried and true ways to get started on unwanted tasks.

How to Increase Motivation to do the Things You Don’t Want to do!

Life is full of doing stuff we don’t want to do: dishes, taxes, paperwork, laundry… Who wants to do those things?

It’s easy to get stuck waiting for motivation to strike us, like a muse or bolt of lightening. It’s easy to decide to wait until you feel like doing it…but *feel like* rarely comes!

How can you increase motivation to do all that stuff you don’t want to do? Here are 3 things to try:

Examine the secret lie:

We all have lies we subconsciously tell ourselves. We don’t necessarily know that the lies are there, but they are, running like a computer in the back of your brain. These lies can run our lives:

I can’t do anything I don’t want to do.

If I don’t feel like it, I can’t do it.

Correct the lie with a do-able truth:

I don’t want to do this, but I can, and I’ll feel better when it’s done. So I’ll get started now.

Face with overwhelm and write out a task list:

It’s hard to get started if you feel overwhelmed. Make a task list. Tell yourself a positive truth about it. Then write out the steps you’re going to take to conquer the most important task on that list. Now get started and cross off each step as you get it done.

Lack of motivation isn’t really a thing most of the time. It’s just our subconscious lies or feeling overwhelmed. Do your self-talk and chunk out your tasks. You’ll soon find that being unmotivated has nothing to do with you!

Bonus way to INCREASE motivation: Get coaching. Life or Career Coaching can be a powerful way to help you accomplish your unwanted tasks in life…and help you build your confidence so you accomplish all the WANTED tasks, too! Schedule an appointment! You’ll be surprised how great you feel when you are in sync with your own motivation!

7 Mindfulness Choices for People Who Aren’t Naturally Mindful

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Here are 7 mindfulness choices for people who aren’t naturally mindful.

7 Mindfulness Choices for People Who Aren't Naturally Mindful VickiTillmanCoaching.com

7 Mindfulness Choices for People Who Aren’t Naturally Mindful

Let’s face it. Most of us aren’t born meditators. We don’t get out of bed in the morning excited to sit still and quiet. Unfortunately, that’s what many folks imagine when they think of mindfulness.

I’ve got good news: Even non-mindful, distracted, busy people can learn mindfulness. Here are some what’s, why’s and how’s.

What is mindfulness?

It is a practice that helps you be calm, aware and criticism-free.

Why is mindfulness important? 

Our crazy American lifestyle promotes busyness, multi-tasking and self-criticalness. The outcome of this is a society where many people feel exhausted, anxious, distracted and irritable.

Mindfulness is really GOOD for you. Here are 6 benefits:

*Mindfulness helps you calm down. This calming is not only emotional calming but also biological calming. Mindfulness can help strengthen the parts of the brain that promote *calm down* and reduce the stress hormones that make you feel anxious.

*Mindfulness can help increase positive mood. The more you practice mindfulness, the more you may notice that your general mood is improving. A pleasant mood is way better for you than a grouchy, distracted mood.

*Mindfulness can reduce rumination. When you ruminate, you find yourself thinking over and over about something without solving it. This is often what we do when we are criticizing ourselves. We just criticize but never come to a way of making it better. Mindfulness often helps the brain move past the stuck neural circuits that cause rumination.

Distracted? Forgetful? Mindfulness could help! VickiTillmanCoaching.com

*Mindfulness can improve working memory. Have you ever noticed that the more stressed you get, the more you forget all that stuff you need to remember? Stress makes it hard to store and retrieve information. Mindfulness, in contrast, helps your brain to stay sharp (or even improve) the ability to store and retrieve all that important stuff.

*Mindfulness can help you manage your temper. People who practice mindfulness often find that they experience less *emotional reactivity* (angry outbursts, temper, meltdowns).

*Mindfulness can improve your immune system. Some people report fewer sick visits to the doctor because, over time, mindfulness has reduced the stress hormones that suppress the immune system.

There are interesting posts about mindfulness research at Greater Good Science and APA Monitor.

With so many benefits, what stops people from adopting some mindfulness practices? Because it sounds boring, they feel too busy or they simply don’t know how.

The good news is that there are ENDLESS ways to practice mindfulness. You can find one or more that actually fit your personality- EVEN if you aren’t a naturally mindful person. Here are 7 mindfulness choices for people who aren’t naturally mindful.

*Deep breathing. Take 2-3 minutes at bedtime to breathe. Stressed people tend to breath shallowly, not good for reducing the daily stress hormones. Oxygen from deep breathing will help you feel calmer and sleep better. Try it nightly for 2 weeks and see if you don’t notice a difference. Here is a freebie download on how to do a mindfulness deep breathing exercise at bedtime.

Progressive Relaxation

Click here for this freebie to help you with deep breathing.

*Mindful walking. Take a 15 minute or longer walk but leave your headphones and hassles at home. On this walk, don’t do any problem-solving but keep bringing your mind back to noticing three things:

  • How your body is feeling
  • What you see, hear and smell
  • What is beautiful

Mindful walking can be even better if you can walk in the woods. (Korean and Japanese cultures call this *Forest Bathing*.) Did you know that trees produce phytoncides that boost our body’s health. Just looking at trees reduces your stress hormones? If you don’t have woods, but can be near a few trees you’ll have an even better calming response than simple mindful walking.

*Laughter. Relieves stress, releases happy hormone. Find something to laugh about in normal life. (Not sarcasm or self-criticism, just fun.) For mindful laughing:

  • Stay in the moment
  • Notice the fun
  • Notice how laughing makes you feel

*Prayer. There are lots of different kinds of prayer. Some prayer is not meant to be calming. (Intercessory prayer, for instance, often requires lots of big feelings.) However, there are some very cool and calming kinds of being-with-God prayer. Here are a few:

*Coloring. I can’t tell you how many of my clients love mindful coloring! When you color mindfully, pick something to color that requires some focus, but not too much. Then, while you color, calmly keep your mind on:

  • How your body is feeling
  • What you are enjoying about the activity, stay in the moment
  • What is beautiful
  • Being judgement free. NO criticism allowed.

(Other forms of art can be mindful, too.)

There are freebie coloring pages at my resources tab.

Spring Mindfulness Coloring Pages Free from VickiTillmanCoaching.com

Click here for free Spring Mindfulness Coloring Pages.

*Gratitude Lists. Take a few minutes each day to create a written list of things you are thankful for. If you keep it up for a month, I’ll bet you notice the difference! This is my favorite daily mindfulness practice. Here’s a post on how-to.

*Puzzles. Jigsaw, sudoku and other puzzles can be wonderful mindful activities. When you mindfully puzzle:

  • Keep your mind on what you doing
  • Concentrate on the things you are enjoying about the puzzle
  • NO self-criticism about your performance
  • Avoid time-pressure

I promised 7 mindfulness choices for people who aren’t naturally mindful. Here’s an 8th choice for a bonus!

*Gardening. People who love gardening will tell you that they feel most calm and happy when they are outside working with their plants. 

  • Keep your mind on the garden
  • Notice the sensory things around you:
    • How the soil feels and smells
    • The progress of the plants
    • The sounds of birds and insects
  • Refrain from judgements or predictions (especially avoid *What-ifs*)

Want some help learning to be mindful? Would you like some mindfulness training for your organization? I’d love to help. I’d love for you to contact me or schedule an appointment.

7 Mindfulness Choices for People Who Aren’t Naturally Mindful

10 Time-Management Tips for Feeling Good about Your Day

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Need to get your time under control? Here are 10 time-management tips for feeling good about your day.

10 Time-Management Tips for Feeling Good about Your Day VickiTillmanCoaching.com Get time under control with a few doable steps.

10 Time-Management Tips for Feeling Good about Your Day

Would you like to go to bed at the end of the day feeling good about what you’ve accomplished?

There’s no need to change who you are. If you’re TypeA personality, that’s good, but sometimes you spin your wheels too much of the time. If you’re NOT TypeA that’s good, too, but sometimes you just can’t get or stay in motion. TypeA or not, here are some basic doable strategies for managing your time.

Digital Stuff You Can Start Now

  • Turn off notifications. Just.Do.It.
  • Close unnecessary tabs (and most of the open windows are unnecessary). If having lots of tabs causes you to switch activities back and forth, you’re loosing time. Finish one tab’s task, then go on to the next.
  • Pick 3 times per day to check social media and stick to it (and these time should NOT be during productive hours). It’s addictive and time sucking (see Time Audit below).
  • Set a timer for freetime. Give yourself permission for guilt-free “wasted” time each day. Just time limit it and do it in the non-producing hours of the day (as in AFTER work).

Stuff to do NOW for a Well-Managed Future

Time Audit: Get Life Balance VickiTillmanCoaching.com

  • Prioritize. There’s no way we can ever fit everything we need to do or want to do in a single day. What are your priorities? What is on mission for you?
  • Use a scheduler (paper or electronic). Check it daily.
  • Schedule time for the things that are meaningful to you
  • Schedule healthy transition times at the end of the day
  • Schedule time for mindfulness and gratitude
  • BONUS Tip: Use Scheduling Backwards to get projects under control. It’s freebie that’s really helped me organize my time.
  • ANOTHER BONUS Tip: Coaching helps at each step of the way. When you feel overwhelmed, stuck or just want accountability for your time management, contact me.

10 Time-Management Tips for Feeling Good about Your Day

Maybe the Number One Tip for Relationship Success: Be Nice!

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Maybe the Number One tip for relationship success: Be nice!

Maybe the Number One Tip for Relationship Success: Be Nice! VickiTillmanCoaching.com

Maybe the Number One Tip for Relationship Success: Be Nice!

I’m not being trite here. This may be the #1 way to make a relationship more successful. Listen to my reasoning:

What *nice* is:

  • Speaking in a respectful tone of voice
  • Perspective taking
  • Daily noticing your partner (deeds, personality, ideas, values). Harvard psychologist and researcher, Ellen Langer, suggests that daily naming 5 things about your parter will significantly improve your relationship.
  • Refusing to show contempt. Daniel Gottman, marriage expert, says the #1 predictor of divorce is a couple that shows contempt. Contempt looks like one or more of these things:
    • mocking
    • sarcasm
    • disrespect
    • name-calling
    • eye-rolling
    • sneering
  • Avoiding criticism. Gottman also warns against being critical. Criticism is not meant to help, it is simply a discharge of your own personal frustrations. Rather than criticize, share *I feel, when…* statements (said calmly and politely) and leave some quiet space for your partner to respond and respect your needs.
  • Stopping stonewalling behavior. Stonewalling is another of what Gottman calls the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse (destroyers of relationships). Stonewalling looks like:
    • Refusing to have a conversation on a difficult topic
    • Silent treatment
    • Stubbornness/refusal to change or adapt

What *nice* is not:

  • Denial (Just because you are being polite, doesn’t mean that your partner isn’t an idiot sometimes. Face the things that are wrong, decide what YOU need to do in relation to those things and then talk about it.)
  • Codependence (Is your identity swallowed up in your significant other? Are you only okay if he/she is happy? That’s toxic to you and to the relationship.)
  • Being a doormat (Healthy people set boundaries for themselves and what they will do with or put up from their partner.)
  • Never having your own opinion (Healthy couples have 2 individuals who bring their individual thoughts to the table. This creates a rich relationship.)
  • Agreeing with everything your significant other says or does
  • Avoiding healthy confrontation

This sounds like wise advice, right? But it is not so easy once you are past the honeymoon phase in a relationship. After those first *fall-in-love* hormones dissipate, being nice can often be an act of your will. A choice.

A good choice.

Good relationships are good for you and for the world around you.

Are you ready to do some great personal growth? Contact me for life-changing Life Coaching.

Maybe the Number One Tip for Relationship Success: Be Nice!

12 Facts about 6 Degrees of Authenticity

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What are 12 facts about 6 Degrees of Authenticity?

12 Facts about 6 Degrees of Authenticity VickiTillmanCoaching.com

12 Facts about 6 Degrees of Authenticity

What is authenticity?

That’s a hard question to answer. People have lots of ideas about what authentic people are. Here are some:

  • consistently honest
  • comfortably open with their thoughts, feelings and opinions
  • behaves and believes the same way regardless circumstances
  • congruent (acts out their beliefs)

It might be easier to look at authenticity by examining the opposite. Inauthentic people might give in to:

  • pressures to be or act a certain way
  • pressures to live a prescribed lifestyle
  • pressures to have specific kinds of friendships
  • pressures to believe in believe certain things
  • pressures to be open (or not) with others

Authenticity is a cultural value. People like to feel like they are friends with authentic people, go to church with authentic Christians, do business with authentic entrepreneurs.

But is it always good to be authentic?

I have an acquaintance that is always the same in every circumstance. She acts and speaks with open, honest, unfiltered opinions. You can always trust her to tell the truth as she sees it. She also leaves a trail of hurt people by the unkind but *honest* things she says. Is that a good authenticity?

I have another acquaintance who is always open and honest with her feelings and experiences. When you ask her, “How are you doing?” she thinks you mean it. So she tells you. The whole story. No detail left out. People who know her well have learned to never ask a question if it is a busy day. Is that good authenticity?

What if we looked at authenticity as a 6 degree decision-making process?

Here are 12 *facts* about 6 degrees of authenticity (a pro and a con for each degree):

1st degree: Untempered

*Being untempered is inauthentic, I believe. While people who say what they think, all the time, may be congruent and honest about what they are feeling, they are not necessarily kind. Scripture talks about speaking the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15). If what one is saying isn’t loving, the heart behind what is being said is inauthentic.

Also, ask yourself, “Is this necessary?” It is not loving to dump your entire load of troubles on an acquaintance who was just looking for, “I’m fine” in answer to his, “How are you?”

*Untempered speaking is fine with very close friends and families who know and understand your heart. Everyone needs some place to dump their thoughts and feelings.

2nd Degree: Fake

*Being a fake (behaving in a manner that is not-at-all how you feel or believe) is inauthentic. Most people can spot a person being *fake*, unless they have the need to feel deluded.

*However, there are times when behaving in a *fake* manner is the only polite thing to do. Take for instance: The ex-wife must go to the wedding of her daughter and behave well, despite the fact that her ex-husband is attending with his new, young bride. To behave in a manner congruent with her feelings would ruin the wedding for her daughter. This kind of inauthenticity is simply called *manners*.

Make wise decisions about authenticity VickiTillmanCoaching.com

3rd Degree: Shut down

*Being completely shut down is not authentic. When a person feels shut down there is often depression, anxiety or hurt that needs healing. They have found detaching from emotional responses feels safer than being open with others. 

*There are times being shut down might be wise. If you are at a hostile board meeting and have nothing constructive to say, for the moment shutting down (or shutting up) might be the best choice.

4th Degree: Cautious

*Being overly cautious is not authentic when it is not called for. In a group of safe people, or with a safe person, it is inauthentic to not share opinions or feelings or needs. Being cautious when it is not needed leads to missing opportunities to connect.

*Being cautious is called for in new situations, or changing situations. It may take a little time and some risk taking to decide how much caution is needed when expression oneself with new people or when a group has undergone a big change of some sort.

Confidence-Building Skills for Meeting New People VickiTillmanCoaching.com

Click here for some confidence-building skills. Freebie!

5th Degree: Open

*Being open may appear to be authentic, but if it is an unwise or unsafe situation being totally open and honest may expose a person to unkindness or worse. Openness is good when the situation warrants. Discernment is needed.

*Being open is good with close and trusted friends and family members. Every human needs people like that in their lives. Some need lots of close and trusted friends and family, some just a few, but everybody needs somebody (sometime).

6th Degree: Wise

*The fact about this is that it is never unwise to be wise. 

*A wise person asks themselves these questions and discerns a kind, safe and polite answer:

  • What should I be authentic about?
  • When should I be authentic?
  • Where should I be authentic?
  • Why should I be authentic?

Want help wrestling with your own authenticity? That’s what life coaching is about! Transition from inauthenticity to wise authenticity! Contact me to get started. We can have coaching sessions in person, by phone or by Skype.

12 Facts about 6 Degrees of Authenticity

What’s the Difference Between Coaching and Counseling?

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Ever wonder What’s the difference between coaching and counseling?

What's the Difference Between Coaching and Counseling? VickiTillmanCoaching.com

What’s the Difference Between Coaching and Counseling?

Counseling is about healing.

Coaching is about fulfilling.

When you work with a counselor, you are feeling sadness, anxiousness or other emotional/mental distress. You need healing. Counselors help you through the process of healing.

When you work with a coach, you are feeling that something has to change:

  • you need a new job because you’ve been downsized, you’re graduating from college, or you just know there’s a better fit somewhere
  • you are in a quarter-life crisis or mid-life crisis and know there has to be more for you
  • you’ve been through relationship loss and you want to rediscover and recreate yourself
  • you feel like you’d like to know yourself better, to fulfill all God created you to be
  • you want to rebrand yourself
  • you want a deeper walk with God
  • you want to do the pre-marital work of SYMBIS

Your coach walks with you through the process of fulfilling your growth process.

Coaching is usually very non-directive. Your coach will ask you “powerful questions” that guide you through your own self-discovery process. Coaches are not consultants who tell you what to do (although they may suggest some resources for you to explore). Instead, coaches know that you already have your future inside you, it simply needs to be discovered.

Coaching loosely follows a 3-part process:

  • Discover: Clarify your knowledge about yourself, uncover new knowledge about yourself
  • Dream: Allow yourself to dream big dreams for your personal, relational and/or professional present and future
  • Develop: Build the skills you need for next steps, create your brand, define your mission and vision, set SMART goals

When you have an initial meeting with a coach, she will generally:

  • ask you about yourself
  • ask you what your goals for coaching are
  • help you get started on the adventure of fulfilling your goals
  • suggest resources, if appropriate
  • help you choose homework/out-of-session work and set SMART goals

The following sessions will include:

  • celebrating your successes
  • clarifying long-term goals
  • setting goals for that session
  • suggest resources, if appropriate
  • help you choose homework/out-of-session work and set SMART goals

Coaching is SUCH a rewarding, life-changing experience. Don’t wait until you are desperate! Contact me to get YOUR coaching started!

But if you already are desperate for a change, for becoming who God truly created you to be, hurry and contact me. Let’s get the coaching process started. We will work in person if you are local or by phone or Skype if you are not.

What’s the Difference Between Coaching and Counseling?

3 Painless, Practical Things to do When You Feel Overwhelmed

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Here are 3 painless, practical things to do when you feel overwhelmed.

3 Painless, Practical Things to do When You Feel Overwhelmed VickiTillmanCoaching.com

3 Painless, Practical Things to do When You Feel Overwhelmed

Ever feel like shutting down when you feel overwhelmed?

I read a quote by Matthew Kimberley: Feeling overwhelmed is not because you have too much to do; it is because you don’t know what to do next.

I agree. The feeling of overwhelm is often caused by having a lot to do and looking at that huge to-do list…then stopping because there’s not a clear starting point. Then nothing gets done, of course.

So, what can you do? Here are 3 painless, practical things to do when you feel overwhelmed:

* Calm down

Take some deep breaths, lower your blood pressure and your racing thoughts. Practice some mindfulness. Here’s a freebie with my favorite mindfulness, deep-breathing activity. This will clear your head. Really. Try it!

Progressive Relaxation

Click here for more information.

* Predict a positive outcome

Our minds will drive us where we tell it to drive us. In other words: If we tell our brains, “This is going to be a disaster!”, our brains will usually co-operate with that.

Why not predict something realistic and positive instead? How about, “This is going to be challenging but I’m up for the adventure and will do FINE!”

If our brain expects an adventurous challenge with a FINE outcome, it will co-operate with that. In other words: Brainwash your brain with a positive truth statement rather than a negative, fear-mongering statement.

* Schedule backwards

Take a little time to plan before you start chipping away at the to-do list. This is how to do it; write these things down:

  • Begin with the end in mind. What will it look like when you are successfully finished with everything?
  • Now, look backwards to the half-way point. What will you have finished by that point?
  • Now, look at the halfway point to the halfway point. What will you have finished by that time?
  • Now, look at the halfway point to the halfway point to the halfway point. What will you have finished by that time?
  • This gives you a good feel to the pacing you need. How much will you be needing to accomplish each day?
  • What will be your starting point?
  • With that starting point, write out a schedule. (For more tips on this kind of schedule, my friend, Sabrina, has a freebie called Scheduling Backwards.)

Want more help getting life under control? Life coaching will help with that. Contact me to reserve a time to get started on a life free from overwhelm!

3 Painless, Practical Things to do When You Feel Overwhelmed

3 Reasons Why Courtesy is Cool and Makes You Cool and Employable

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Here are 3 reasons why courtesy is cool and makes you cool and employable.

3 Reasons Why Courtesy is Cool and Makes You Cool and Employable VickiTillmanCoaching.com

3 Reasons Why Courtesy is Cool and Makes You Cool and Employable

I was listening to a recorded lecture by the late poet John O’Donahue. This poet, priest and philosopher said something that caught my attention: He said that we needed to be “courteous to ourselves”.

Courtesy is not a word we use often in my generation. It fell away during the 1960’s and 70’s when my generation ditched etiquette because we saw too many people who could BEHAVE politely but had poisonous souls. We wanted to be *real*. (*What you see is what you get!*)

So my generation was real but many of us became *real* selfish, *real* harsh, *real* unkind, *real* ungrounded. Courtesy wasn’t enough if someone was *fake*. But no-courtesy had bad results, too.

Now, many decades later, we are finding out that old-fashioned words like *courtesy* don’t actually have that much to do with the rigid systems of etiquette like we were taught by our parents. Rather, *courtesy* is a synonym for *kindness, compassion, thoughtfulness, virtuous practices*.

AND it’s back! Here are 3 reasons why courtesy is cool and makes you cool… and employable.

*Courtesy is cool because it is in the Urban Dictionary: a thoughtful gesture or action. Example: Don’t forget to do that courtesy thing I told you about before we came over.

*Courtesy is cool because it is biologically good for you. Doing courteous acts or even WATCHING courteous acts raises your oxytocin levels (a calming, feel better hormone). It also activates your parasympathetic nervous system which tells your body to *Calm down!*

*Courtesy is cool because it makes you more employable. Many employers have found that courteous people often make better employees. They have found that backbiting, negative, critical team members decrease productivity, creativity and cohesiveness of the team. On the other hand team members who exhibit positive and virtuous practices experience:

  • Better team relationships
  • More creativity
  • Less blaming, more forgiving
  • Inspiring others
  • Find more meaning in work

Who should you show courtesy to?

*Yourself! Negative self-talk causes shrinkage on your brain cells. Truthful, kind, positive self-talk does exactly the opposite! Like John O’Donohue said, “Be courteous to yourself.”

*Strangers! Random acts of kindness are simply acts of courtesy. These are good for the giver and the receiver of the kindness. Try:

  • Holding doors open for people
  • Smiling and saying *thank you* to cashiers
  • Standing back and allowing people that are exiting leave before you enter a room or building

*Friends and family! Here’s a simple way to put it: If what you are doing fits the instruction *be nice* it’s probably courtesy.

*Colleagues! Try some of these *team builders*:

Confidence-Building Skills for Meeting New People VickiTillmanCoaching.com

Here’s one new thing to get started with: Confidence-building skills for meeting new people. Click here for this FREEBIE!

  • Smile as you walk into a room
  • Thank admins and people who help you
  • Compliment team members
  • Find the positive whenever possible

Courtesy is cool. It makes you cool. And it helps you be employable. Make it a habit!

If you’d like to work more on this, other job skills, or life transitions, contact me. We can coach in person, via phone or Skype.

3 Reasons Why Courtesy is Cool and Makes You Cool and Employable