Vicki Tillman Coaching

Find Meaning in Your Life.

Blog

3 Easy but Powerful Steps in Standing Up for Yourself

by Leave a Comment

Here are 3 easy but powerful steps in standing up for yourself.

3 Easy but Powerful Steps in Standing Up for Yourself VickiTillmanCoaching.com Learning to stand up for yourself is simple and can change a bad situation into a good one.

3 Easy but Powerful Steps in Standing Up for Yourself

Times come in everyone’s life: you have to stand up for yourself!

It might be with a:

  • college professor who gave you a grade you don’t agree with
  • significant other who is forgetting to be kind
  • boss who is taking his frustrations out on you
  • leader in an organization who is taking advantage of your skill and time
  • friend who wants you to do all the work in the relationship
  • doctor who isn’t listening well to you
  • cashier who is snarky

Whatever the event, there are 3 easy but powerful steps in standing up for yourself.

Step 1. Take a deep breath and lower your emotions. 

You lose your power when you yell. Did you catch that? You loose your power when you yell!

The only thing that yelling does is put people on the defensive and when they are defensive they don’t listen. When they don’t listen, you’re powerless to make a change.

Progressive Relaxation

Click here to learn deep breathing practices with this free download.

Step 2: Use +-+. Plus-minus-plus is the 3- or 4-sentence magic formula in standing up for yourself.

Plus: Say something polite or complimentary. ONE sentence. Even if you’re angry, you can do this. Saying something polite lowers the overall anger level in a room and helps the other person to become more receptive.

Minus: Say what the problem is. ONE sentence. Then, what you would like done about it. ONE sentence. No demands, instead say something like, “What I would like is…” “What is need is…” “This will make things feel better…”.

Plus: Something kind or complimentary. ONE sentence. Say something like “Thanks for listening…” “I appreciate the help”.

Step 3: Step back, be quiet, create some space for the other person to do something healthy.

Silence is a powerful tool. You might feel like talking on and on until you get everything out, but in a tense situation the person who is listening will probably not pay attention to anything after the 10th word. So really, you have 10 words to make your point (that’s the Minus section of your +-+). Then stop!

What you will have accomplished at this point is:

  • You will have shown that you are a powerful person to be reckoned with.
  • The other person may adopt your idea (and very often come out of a +-+ situation feeling like your idea is their idea).
  • Even if you aren’t heard in this first round, you have opened the door for healthy negotiation.

Give it a try! When you’re ready for more help learning to advocate for yourself, contact me for coaching in person or by phone.

3 Easy but Powerful Steps in Standing Up for Yourself

3 Top Priorities for Success in College

by 3 Comments

Here are 3 top priorities for success in college.

3 Top Priorities for Success in College VickiTillmanCoaching.com

3 Top Priorities for Success in College

People go to college for many reasons. Getting a job is usually one of them. Getting a job is one of your priorities, it is important to know that in these days, simply getting your degree may not be enough to land a job in your field.

Pass your courses

While this may seem obvious, I frequently guide college students in this very problem. You must pass your classes to get your degree. When employers look at your transcript and there are multiple fails, withdraws and C’s, they are inclined to think you may lack initiative (whether this is true or not).

Here are some tips for passing courses:

  • Show up to class early, sit in the T-zone (front 2 rows or down the middle)
  • Take notes, let the professor know you are listening
  • Manage your time well for studying and assignments
  • Turn in assignments on time
  • Study for exams ahead of time, cramming brings iffy results

Network

College is all about networking. Who you know will open doors and/or get you job referrals later on. Don’t skip this!

  • Visit your professors during office hours (assuming you are at a college where there are still full-time professors)
  • Ask questions, in class or by email
  • Volunteer to help in the department office
  • Attend any function your department gives
  • Join any organization your department sponsors

Internship

Students who do internships are more likely to get jobs. A study with the National Association of Colleges and Employers found that 60% of students who landed paid internships during college, landed jobs when they graduated. Not all internships are paid, but if you start early with unpaid, you are more likely to end up with a paid internship as an upperclassman.

Keep an eye out in your departmental communications for internships of any kind. Also keep an eye out on the community, sometimes you will find an internship simply by keeping your eyes open in social media or job aggregate boards.

When you need some guidance or coaching for college success, contact me.

3 Top Priorities for Success in College

5 Ways to Spiff up Your LinkedIn Profile

by Leave a Comment

Here are 5 ways to spiff up your LinkedIn profile.

5 Ways to Spiff up Your LinkedIn Profile VickiTillmanCoaching.com Recruiters really do use LinkedIn to find new hires. Make yourself find-able. Here are 5 easy tips.

5 Ways to Spiff up Your LinkedIn Profile

Sometimes my clients balk at adding another to-do in their job hunt. But this to-do often pays off well for the effort put into it. Recruiters really do use LinkedIn to start their searches for new hires.

So use it!

Here are 5 tips that have been helpful to my coachees:

*Use quality photos. Get a professional head-shot. (Selfies aren’t great for a professional presentation.) Make sure you take up approximately 60% of the head-shop (as opposed to pretty background material). Aim for a 400×400 sized photo, if possible.

Don’t skip the background photo. This is what reveals your “brand”. Carefully edit a good photo that enhances your professional image. You can find free photos on Creative Commons or buy photos from suppliers like Bigstock.com or Lightstock.com. You can add a short motto or quote if it is not too distracting.

*SEO your profile. What are the keywords that describe the job you want? Read some job descriptions on your industries job websites or aggregate sites like Indeed, Glassdoor or Google Jobs. Use those words throughout the entire profile. If you can work it into the title, do so!

Speaking of title: You can make your headline more than simply a job title. Add your “why”!

Also: Make sure your name on your profile is your business name (the name on your resume and the name you use when you attend business or professional events). If you have degrees or certifications, include them in your name.

*Link, link, link! Everywhere you can add the link to an article or blog post you have written or media you have been part of, link to it. This can be in the bio or the experience section.

*Write eye-catching bio and experience descriptions. If you can, start your bio with a one-paragraph story that reveals in an interesting way, your drive or personality. Then move into the details of the bio. Use “I” statements that tell what you do or have done. Follow these with action verbs. Include outcomes, successes and accomplishments. Use bullet points where ever you can.

In the experience section, if possible, show that you have experience with specific accomplishments.

*Don’t skip any sections. Ask colleagues and friends for endorsements. Include your interests that relate to the career you want. Linked in occasionally adds sections, so check in periodically and update.

  • Like and share articles that relate to your industry so that section of your profile shows growth and development. (Plan a weekly session where you share articles and/or comment on others’ articles.)
  • While you are at it, Linkedin likes for you to create your own articles right in LinkedIn.
  • Make new connections based on suggestions that LinkedIn suggests. Also connect with people you meet in  professional settings.
  • If you highly respect a colleague, give them an endorsement on their LinkedIn profile.
  • Don’t forget to include education, certifications and special trainings. Also, LinkedIn likes for you to take their courses and will give you a badge for your profile when you complete a course.

NOW:

Have someone proofread it. It’s hard to find your own editing mistakes.

LASTLY:

Let recruiters know you are out there by filling in the profile on LinkedIn’s Career Interest page: https://www.linkedin.com/jobs/career-interests/

Career Interest asks simple things like:

  • What job titles are you considering?
  • What locations would you work in?
  • What types of jobs are you open to? (FT, PT, Internships, etc)
  • Industry you prefer
  • Company size

Your LinkedIn Profile is now more spiffy! You’re ready to be recruited! But this is just a start! For more help with the career or job hunt, contact me today.

5 Ways to Spiff up Your LinkedIn Profile

5 You-Can-Do-It Ways to Boost Your Confidence

by Leave a Comment

Here are 5 You-Can-Do-It ways to boost your confidence!

5 You-Can-Do-It Ways to Boost Your Confidence Build your confidence with these simple tips.

5 You-Can-Do-It Ways to Boost Your Confidence

Whether they understand *I lack confidence* or not, lots of people simply don’t believe in themselves. I have the joy of working with lots of people who mostly need a boost in confidence in order to start the adventure of becoming who they need to be.

Let’s talk about some ways to kick lacking-confidence in the butt… or how about: here are 5 YOU-CAN-DO-IT ways to boost your confidence.

Confront Your Lies

Everyone has lies they have learned over time.

  • I’m just that way…
  • I can’t…
  • I’m no good…
  • No one would want what I have to offer…
  • I’m not good enough for anything…
  • I could never…

What are your lies? The way you recognize a lie is to catch the *absolute negative* statements you make to yourself. It begins with *I* and ends with a self-criticism that leaves you feeling hopeless and shut down.

The first thing to do is recognize that the lie is there. Then, as an act of faith, confront the lie: HEY LIE, I’ve caught you and I’m going to retrain myself to stop listening to you and START finding the truth!

Self-talk the Truth

Once you’ve caught the lie, turn it 180 degrees around and that will most likely be the truth. Somewhere in his teachings (I totally forget where), C.S. Lewis explained the concept of *bifurcation*. Bifurcation is the concept of opposites: for every good and beautiful thing God creates in us, satan tries to come up with a negative lie that is pretty much opposite to lure us away.

As long as we are living in the bifurcation, we are looking at the opposite of what God has placed into us and planned for us.

Turn it around. Start talking to yourself about the truth. It helps to look in the mirror, make eye contact with yourself and say it out loud until you brain rewires itself.

  • I’m resilient and adaptable to new things…
  • I CAN…
  • I’m good enough to do whatever God gives me to do…
  • I will be a blessing…
  • I can do whatever I need to do…
  • I could try and I can succeed…

Do Something New

One of the best things that you can do for yourself is to go do something new.

  • find a MOOC and complete the whole thing

    Confidence-Building Skills for Meeting New People VickiTillmanCoaching.com

    Here’s one new thing to get started with: Confidence-building skills for meeting new people.

  • hike a new trail
  • take a painting class
  • visit a new town nearby
  • attend a world music concert
  • volunteer at a refugee center
  • write a government official about a cause
  • attend a retreat

It doesn’t matter what it is, it just need to be new. The physiological benefits of doing new things will help you feel more confident. The pride you feel in doing the new thing will boost your confidence.

Don’t be Ashamed of Your Weaknesses

We all have weaknesses. Everyone.

Let go of the shame. Then you can find workarounds for the weaknesses. Workaround are there when you look!

Lean into Your Strengths

Everyone has strengths. Lean into them. Develop them. You are responsible to grow your God-given strengths!

  • Take a MOOC or course at a local college
  • Read up and practice!
  • Get a coach and work on it!

This is what I’m all about: Coaching people for confidence boosting so that they can fulfill who they were created to be. You need this.

Contact me today to get started with the coaching process. I will work with you face to face or by phone or Skype.

5 You-Can-Do-It Ways to Boost Your Confidence

10 Things You Should Never Say to Someone You Care About

by 2 Comments

Here are 10 things you should never say to someone you care about- and what to say instead.

10 Things You Should Never Say to Someone You Care About VickiTillmanCoaching.com

10 Things You Should Never Say to Someone You Care About

I’ve been working with people for many years. Almost all people have some person or persons they care about:

  • friends
  • family
  • spouse
  • significant other
  • colleagues

I’ve also noticed that sometimes people have some communication patterns that become toxic to their close relationships. In other words, they say stupid things that, over time, destroy the relationships closest to them!

Don’t let this happen to you! Here are 10 things you should never say to someone you care about (and what you should say instead).

1. That’s just the way I am! 

That’s such a cop out. When you are tempted to let that come out of your mouth, ask yourself, “Is this relationship important to me? If so, maybe I should listen and grow!”

2. You NEVER…

For one, it is probably not true… Never is pretty infinite. It automatically separates you from the person you care about, putting a wall as big a some presidents want between the US and Mexico, between you and the person you care about. How about this instead: “It bothers me when you…”

3. You ALWAYS…

Just like in *You NEVER*, this is probably an exaggeration- and an exaggeration that divides. ALWAYS is pretty hard to change (or want to change). How about this instead: “When you do this, I feel…”

4. I NEVER…

Well, when you said *I NEVER*, you just promised your loved one that you don’t care enough about them to grow. It tells them they are not valued by you! How about this: “This is hard for me…”

5. I ALWAYS…

You can’t have good relationships and be inflexible. *ALWAYS* is an inflexible word. Try something less intense, “I sometimes…”

6. I won’t…

If it is not a moral or ethical issue, then why *won’t* your relationship? When you said, “won’t” you placed a glass ceiling on the relationship, a glass ceiling of dysfunction. Try this instead, “Let’s change up our thinking on this. Let’s find an out-the-box, creative solution for this issue!”

7. I hate…

If you just said that to the person you care about, you’ve lost their trust. If you said it to them about someone else, you’ve just lost their trust. There can’t be hatred and trust at the same time. Try this instead, “I’m so angry about…”

8. I HAVE to…

I HAVE to…pay the bills? That’s good, say that. I HAVE to…wash the dishes? That’s good, say that. But most of the time we use “I HAVE to” as an excuse not to listen to the advice or needs of the person we care about. How about, “I’ll pray about what you said…”

9. I’m too busy…

That’s a great way to de-value the person you care about! How about this instead, “I want to make you a priority. Give me a minute to figure something out…”

10. You’re JUST A…

This is usually followed by an insult. Insults are always toxic, even if they are followed by, “just kidding”. In this case, just keep your mouth shut. As Thumper from Bambi said, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say nothin’ at all.”

Want some coaching on how to communicate with people you care about? Contact me here or call 302-738-6859 for an appointment.

10 Things You Should Never Say to Someone You Care About

Simple How-to Guide to Create a Gratitude Journal

by 1 Comment

Here is a simple how-to guide to create a Gratitude Journal.

Simple How-to Guide to Create a Gratitude Journal

Simple How-to Guide to Create a Gratitude Journal

I was a reluctant gratitude journalist. At first I thought they were sappy, goofy projects for sentimental people. But here’s the facts: Gratitude journals are good for you! There is a building body of research that shows that the practice of gratitude helps build emotional, social and spiritual health.

It appears that people who practice gratitude build their personal reserves that help to deal with life’s stressors and trials. Gratitude also strengthens relationship bonds both with people and with God.

Interesting that the advice in Scripture was right all along! There are at least 100 verses exhorting us to give thanks.

I began Gratitude Journaling a year ago. I found one of my unused journals and started a daily (well, almost daily) practice of spending 3-5 minutes listing things I am grateful for.

I have found over the year that:

I am thankful for big blessings

  • answers to prayer
  • unexpected gifts

Even though I’m not a sappy person, I have also become aware of the very many simple blessings around me:

  • the sparkle of dew on flowers
  • the many shades of green during springtime
  • the songs of birds
  • cats on the lap

I quickly started to add thanks for things I hoped to see but hadn’t actually occurred yet. I am NOT a “name-it-and-claim-it-person”; it just seemed sensible to me. The cool thing about that is that gradually, my concept of time changed, these things I listed in my journal on a daily basis became things I was genuinely, un-anxiously thankful for…as thankful as if I had received them. It was my first glimpse, I believe, into the timelessness of God…and of the scripture Hebrews 11:1 (Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.)

Ready to start your own Gratitude Journal? Here are some simple tips:

  • There’s not a wrong way to make a Gratitude Journal- so just do it!
  • Include big blessings you’ve been given
  • Include the tiny things that make you happy (like dew on the flowers, for instance)
  • It’s okay to list the same things every day if you are grateful for them every day
  • It’s okay to list things you’ve prayed for and are waiting for answers
  • It’s okay to list blessings you’ve seen God has bestowed on friends or family members
  • Include areas of personal growth that God has helped you with
  • Include practical, mundane things, like:
    • ability to work
    • had food to eat
    • had clothes to wear
  • Don’t put a number the number of things you must list each day
  • On tough days, ask God to help you have a peaceful attitude about your gratitude
  • You don’t have to elaborate but you may- it helps some people to write a paragraph (I simply list things)
  • You don’t have to write neatly or spell correctly- no one is grading this!

As you work through your journal, you will probably begin discovering some new things about yourself. Why not leverage that into a time of great personal growth? That’s what Life Coaching is all about. I can help! Contact me at Pike Creek Psychological Center or by email.

Here’s a Facebook live I shared about Gratitude Journaling.

 

Simple How-to Guide to Create a Gratitude Journal

10 Fundamental Soft Skills for Relationship and Career Success

by 2 Comments

Here are 10 fundamental soft skills for relationship and career success.

10 Fundamental Soft Skills for Relationship and Career Success VickiTillmanCoaching.com

10 Fundamental Soft Skills for Relationship and Career Success

No matter what career you choose, you will need to develop hard skills specific to that career. Counselors need to have great therapy skills. Engineers need great skills in mathematics and problem solving. Doctors need great anatomy and systems knowledge skills. Hard skills specific your career on a great resume are the keys to earn you an interview.

No matter what relationship you choose, you will need some hard skills, too: How to wash dishes, pay bills, take care of laundry.

JUST AS IMPORTANT as hard skills, are SOFT SKILLS. No matter what career you choose or relationship you choose, to be successful you will develop these 10 fundamental soft skills:

  1. Self-motivated- You have a good work ethic. You will get a job done. You pull your weight in work or relationship.
  2. Personal Style- You aware of yourself. You know your personality, your strengths and your weaknesses. You are comfortable with who you are. (Sign up for my newsletter and I’ll send you my list of personality test links.)
  3. Respectfully Aware of Others- You are aware of others. Whether others include colleagues, supervisors, spouses or children, you are polite and agreeable. You are also as assertive as you need to be.Confidence-Building Skills for Meeting New People VickiTillmanCoaching.com
  4. Presence/Active Listening- You listen to what colleagues, supervisors or loved ones say. You listen not only so that you have a savvy answer, but truly listening for their content. You can repeat back what they said if the situation arises. You never interrupt.
  5. Verbal Communication- Your words are positive. When you need to be persuasive, you do so without intimidation or anger. You have an appropriate sense of humor.
  6. Non-verbal Communication- You smile freely and try to avoid the *resting bitch face*. You use the magic non-verbals to set people at ease while showing confidence. (Download this freebie.)
  7. Team Work- You are able to take leadership and/or followership on a team. You are able to allow credit to go where credit is due. You help people feel good about themselves because of the encouragement they received while working with you!
  8. Creative Thinking- You are able to brainstorm. You use your thoughts and words creatively when necessary. You appreciate beautiful things and ideas.
  9. Problem Solving- You are willing to work on a problem until it has a solution. You talk things out looking for solutions, not vindication.
  10. Trustworthy- You are able to say, “I’m wrong”. You will do what is asked and more. You honestly handle time and resources.

Are you ready for some expert coaching to help you hone your soft skills? Contact me!

10 Fundamental Soft Skills for Relationship and Career Success

Exploring the Job Search in Newark: Popular Jobs and Companies

by Leave a Comment

 Exploring the Job Search in Newark: Popular Jobs and Companies VickiTillmanCoaching.com

Exploring the Job Search in Newark: Popular Jobs and Companies

Guest Post by Sydney Frazer of Glassdoor.com

Spring has sprung and is commonly the time for fresh starts. Many people decide to start looking for a new job and if you are looking in the Newark area, consider yourself lucky! I have rounded up much of the information you need to perform an informed job search — from the local labor market to popular job searches and companies in Newark.

Newark is located in New Castle County and is a part of the Philadelphia metropolitan area. The local labor market in Newark looks pretty ideal for job seekers. The unemployment rate in New Castle County was 3.6 percent in December 2016, considerably below the national average of 4.7 percent. The population in Newark grew by 7.3 percent from 2010 to 2015, but the competition for open jobs isn’t too fierce given the 15,857 open positions. While the cost of living in Newark is 4 percent higher than the average in Delaware and 17 percent higher than the national average, this is reflected in the above average salary in the area. In addition, Delaware’s cost of living is significantly cheaper than most of its neighboring states in the Northeast.

The next step in the job search is getting an idea of the kinds of job openings available. A great place to start is with popular job searches and companies in the area.

3 Popular Job Searches in Newark

  1. One of the more popular job searches in Newark is Administrative Assistant. With 162 open admin positions in the area, job seekers have their fair share of choices. While admins in Newark on average make less than the median base salary in the city, they do earn more than the average admin in the United States. Administrative Assistants in Newark can expect to earn approximately $35,327. Interested in applying for one of the open jobs? The interview will likely assess your ability to manage time, communicate efficiently, and stay organized with behavioral questions. Prepare for the interview with the following questions:
    • Name a time when you knew your immediate supervisor was wrong about an issue. What was the issue, and how did you handle it?
    • How would you handle multiple projects and deadlines from different supervisors?
    • Have you ever been on a team where someone was not pulling their own weight? How did you handle it?
  2. Another common job search in the area is Store Manager. There are 461 open store manager positions in Newark. Looking to snag one of these positions? The average salary for a Store Manager in Newark is $47,569, which is a bit below that of the median base salary in Newark, but above the national average for the position. If you land an interview, expect questions that try to tease out your ability to lead in a positive manner that keeps things running smoothly and fosters a positive work environment. Some common questions to practice with include:
    • What would you do if one of your employees came to you with a very personal problem that did not have anything to do with their job?
    • Describe your management style.
    • What is the most important decision you make everyday as a store manager?
  3. Medical Receptionist is another popular job search in Newark. With 86 open jobs at companies ranging from MedExpress to St. Francis Hospital, people looking to work in this field have a wide variety to choose from. Prepare yourself for an interview that focuses on your interpersonal skills. The interviewer will try to determine what kind of first impression you will leave on patients, as well as your ability to use critical thinking skills to efficiently handle issues that pop up. Consider preparing for these common questions:
    • How would you handle an angry patient?
    • What previous experience do you have working in a stressful environment?
    • How would you handle a situation where you have a patient in front of you, your manager asks you to do something, and the phone starts ringing?

None of these roles fit what you are looking for? You might instead consider applying for a job at one of the popular companies in Newark that are hiring.

2 Popular Companies in Newark

  1. University of Delaware employs over 4,000 people in Newark. With a 4.1 star rating, significantly above the average 3.3 star company rating, employees appear to be pretty satisfied working there. There are 7 open jobs at UD, ranging from a Police Officer, to an Outreach Specialist, to a Sales Consultant. UD employees cite a benefits package that is “above average with affordable employee contributions.” This includes a PPO or HMO plan that is inexpensive, but comprehensive, a pension plan, and an FSA for health care and dependent care expenses.
  2. J.P. Morgan is headquartered in New York, but employs over 8,700 employees in Delaware; the company is expanding operations in Newark and has designated it as one of seven “strategic technology hubs” in the United States. With 145 open jobs in Newark alone, job seekers have quite a bit of runway to find a position that fits their skills. The benefits and perks package at J.P. Morgan includes a 401(k) plan with matching up to five percent, as well as great social events that allow employees to meet and network with many other professionals and executives. In addition, a mobile phone discount and commuter checks are common.

These jobs and companies might not coincide with your exact desires and expertise, and that is perfectly okay. One of the many multinationals with offices in Newark might be more what you are looking for. Air Liquide, Fraunhofer Gesellschaft, and QPS all have locations in Newark.

If you are looking to go a completely different path, it might be time to consider attending some career coaching sessions. Get help dusting off your resume, preparing for interviews, and understanding what you are truly looking for. Now get out there and get started!

Sydney’s bio: As a Partnerships Manager at Glassdoor, Sydney works with hundreds of accounts across universities, libraries, and blogs, helping to provide them with content and tools to aid job seekers. Outside of work, Sydney enjoys running, hiking, and searching for the perfect burrito.

Exploring the Job Search in Newark: Popular Jobs and Companies

5 Times in Life You Need Life Transition Coaching

by Leave a Comment

There are clearly 5 times in life you need life transition coaching.

5 Times in Life You Need Life Transition Coaching VickiTillmanCoaching.com

5 Times in Life You Need Life Transition Coaching

I am often asked: What is Life Transition Coaching and when do I need it?

Here is what I tell folks: Life transition coaches like me are wise guides who help you navigate meaningfully and successfully through the positive changes or trying changes of life.

The truth is: Life is change. If you aren’t growing and changing, you aren’t alive! Here are 5 times you need a coach.

*You need coaching when you feel restless, unsatisfied or uncomfortable where you are in life

  • Knowing there’s more to life than this
  • Longing for meaning and purpose
  • Desiring to clarify your life causes
  • Re-inventing your identity

*You need coaching when you are leaving one phase of life to enter another

  • Graduating high school and headed to career or college
  • Graduating college and heading into career
  • Beginning empty nesting
  • Starting second half of life
  • Retiring

*You need coaching when you are experiencing changing relationships

  • Getting married
  • Raising toddlers, tweens or teens
  • Empty nesting

*You need coaching when you are launching into longed-for life benchmarks

  • Earning a big promotion
  • Moving to a new city
  • Clarifying whether to start a business

*You need coaching when you are dealing with unexpected, unwanted change

  • Managing life with chronic illness
  • Re-inventing well-being after life-changing injury
  • Re-creating life because of divorce

Contact me for encouraging, wise, experienced coaching by phone, Skype or in person. Or contact my office at Pike Creek Psychological Center 302-738-6859.

5 Times in Life You Need Life Transition Coaching

3 Most Dangerous Years That Can Risk Your Marriage

by Leave a Comment

What are the 3 most dangerous years that can risk your marriage?

3 Most Dangerous Years That Can Risk Your Marriage VickiTillmanCoaching.com

3 Most Dangerous Years That Can Risk Your Marriage

When I do SYMBIS pre-marital coaching, I always warn the soon-to-be newlyweds that they should plan ahead for the 3 most dangerous years of marriage.

These are 3 years, that if the marriage survives, it will be a strong and love-filled marriage. But these 3 years must be survived.

What are the 3 most dangerous years that can risk your marriage?

  • Year 2
  • Year 7
  • Year 16

Why are they so dangerous?

Year 2: The adjustment to committed marriage is way harder than you thought it would be. Your spouse is way stubborner than you ever knew. AND what ever happened to: *you get married and it’s happily ever after*?

Year 7: Couples without children are in the throws of professional development in their individual careers, they are so busy creating success that couple-ship is back-burnered. Couples with children have young ones underfoot that require long, long hours and little time for couple-ship. AND after 7 years, some things your spouse does just get too annoying!

Year 16: This is mid-life crisis of a marriage. Couples often wake up one morning and ask themselves: “Is this what I signed up for? Who is this person I’m married to? (I don’t think it is the same one I married 16 years ago.) For that matter, who am I?”

So how do I tell my SYMBIS pre-marital clients to plan to handle those years well? The same way I tell couples that I coach. Follow these 10 necessary steps:

3 Most Dangerous Years That Can Risk Your Marriage VickiTillmanCoaching.com

*Own your own shit. (I don’t cuss, it’s a psychology term…) Face it: You have your own garbage. After 2, 7 or 16 years, it is becoming destructive to your marriage. Whether it is socks on the floor, interrupting your spouse, never saying “I’m sorry”, never being willing to yield… Whatever it is, your shit is your shit: fix it. Coaching helps with this. Contact me, let’s work on you becoming your best you.

*Ask yourself: What’s my part in it? It’s already quite clear to you what your spouse’s part in the stress of this time is. Face it, you have a part in it, too. Time to fix that! A marriage is only as healthy as the two people in it.

*Stop being critical. The glass ceiling for a wonderful marriage is its level of criticism. A couple’s growth and love-level stops where the criticism starts. This counts for spoken criticism and each person’s own internal dialogue: *He’s SO… She’s SO…*. Whether spoken or not it takes 5 positive statements to undo 1 criticism! So get busy with the positive!

*Recognize this time of life is SUPPOSED to feel different. *I just don’t feel the same way I used to!* *Things aren’t like they used to be!* Of course not! This is a law of nature the God placed into the earth to force people to continue to grow. We call it The Second Law of Thermodynamics or The Law of Entropy (for real, check your science textbooks). It says: All things fall apart. (Which they do: Eventually plants, animals, planets, stars fall apart…relationships do, too.) However, we humans were given the gift from God to be able to break this law; but it takes constant motion. For couples, to break the Law of Entropy we must recognize that each phase of life has its beauty, lean into the joys of each stage. If you are wise, the conversation, emotions and sex life of each phase is different but deeper and more satisfying.

*Engage in spiritual practices together. This is the number 1 way to fight the Law of Entropy. Not kidding. When you come down to it, the only thing we truly have 100% in common with another person is the Holy Spirit’s presence. So if we want to be united, we need to do things with the Holy Spirit: pray together, read Scripture together.

*Do new things together. You CANNOT escape this one. It is a powerful way to fight the Law of Entropy. When you do something new with your spouse, your bodies create oxytocin, which is a bonding hormone. It doesn’t matter what the new thing is; it doesn’t even need to be interesting. It just needs to be new. This is a practice that must happen at least monthly to keep a marriage healthy.

*Find a united cause. A healthy couple must have a *couple identity*. A *this-is-what-we-are-about*. Explore until you find something: church activities, service organizations, hiking groups, social justice causes. It just needs to be *something larger than yourself*.

*Forgive. This sounds trite, but really. Forgiveness is another glass ceiling. Ask yourself this question: Does it have eternal value? If whatever you need to forgive has eternal value, talk it out with your spouse or get marriage counseling. If it doesn’t have eternal value, then why the heck are you hanging on to it?

*Look toward each other. Literally. Look at each other when you talk. Stop what you’re doing (phone, tablet, computer, game) and look right at your spouse until he/she is through talking. ALSO, metaphorically look at each other: Make a point to think about your spouse while you’re at work. Pray for him/her daily. Do something kind daily.

*Laugh together. Couples who laugh together, bond together. Watch something funny on YouTube or a funny movie. Read jokes to each other. Tell funny stories about your work day or childhood. Do not go more than 2 days without a laugh!

Newlyweds who plan for success by following these steps have an easier time through the phases of life. Couples who did not know ahead of time how to plan, it isn’t too late! Don’t worry, just start taking this advice:

Follow the 10 steps! You’ll be glad you did. Contact me for great coaching through life’s phases.

3 Most Dangerous Years That Can Risk Your Marriage