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Why Doesn’t Insurance Cover Career Coaching or Life Coaching?

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I have often been asked: Why doesn’t insurance cover Career Coaching or Life Coaching?

Why Doesn't Insurance Cover Career Coaching or Life Coaching? VickiTillmanCoaching.com

Why Doesn’t Insurance Cover Career Coaching or Life Coaching?

I often have clients ask me: Why doesn’t insurance cover coaching?

The answer is simple.

Well, sort of. Health insurance covers things that need healing. Insurance companies call this: medical necessity.

If you are sick and go to your primary care physician or a specialist, they work with you to heal the problem. During the process, your doctor my slip in a tip about exercise and nutrition. However, if he suggests that you go to a nutritionist for eating tips or trainer at the gym, it is unlikely that they will be covered by insurance.

Your nutritionist and trainer are interested in building your health but they are not healing something that is sick. (Sometimes, if your sickness is related to your eating patterns, you can get insurance for your nutritionist.)

When you come for Life and/or Career Coaching, your health insurance company is not going to cover your sessions. They do not regard your coaching needs as *medical necessity*. In other words: Insurance feels like your lack of fulfillment and stress due to a rotten job are things that are *sickness*.

In Life and/or Career Coaching, we are not working on healing. We are working on fulfilling.

  • We are working on helping you to fulfill the potentials that God placed in you to develop.
  • We are working on helping you find and fulfill a meaningful life.
  • We are working on helping you discover your gifts, build branding and skills to launch a new career.
  • We are working to help you dream big dreams and set goals to bring them to pass.

Counseling is a healing profession, just like your family doctor or her physician’s assistant and nursing staff are healing professionals. They are all helping something that has a medical diagnosis get better.

Coaching is a fulfilling profession. It is just as valuable to your growth and potential as counseling is. You get the joy of knowing that you are directly funding your future!

It’s worth every penny.

Personal Discovery Links VickiTillmanCoaching.com

Download this freebie.

Contact me today for life changing Life and/or Career Coaching. If you are local, we will work in person. We can also coach by phone or Skype.

Why Doesn’t Insurance Cover Career Coaching or Life Coaching?

12 Facts about 6 Degrees of Authenticity

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What are 12 facts about 6 Degrees of Authenticity?

12 Facts about 6 Degrees of Authenticity VickiTillmanCoaching.com

12 Facts about 6 Degrees of Authenticity

What is authenticity?

That’s a hard question to answer. People have lots of ideas about what authentic people are. Here are some:

  • consistently honest
  • comfortably open with their thoughts, feelings and opinions
  • behaves and believes the same way regardless circumstances
  • congruent (acts out their beliefs)

It might be easier to look at authenticity by examining the opposite. Inauthentic people might give in to:

  • pressures to be or act a certain way
  • pressures to live a prescribed lifestyle
  • pressures to have specific kinds of friendships
  • pressures to believe in believe certain things
  • pressures to be open (or not) with others

Authenticity is a cultural value. People like to feel like they are friends with authentic people, go to church with authentic Christians, do business with authentic entrepreneurs.

But is it always good to be authentic?

I have an acquaintance that is always the same in every circumstance. She acts and speaks with open, honest, unfiltered opinions. You can always trust her to tell the truth as she sees it. She also leaves a trail of hurt people by the unkind but *honest* things she says. Is that a good authenticity?

I have another acquaintance who is always open and honest with her feelings and experiences. When you ask her, “How are you doing?” she thinks you mean it. So she tells you. The whole story. No detail left out. People who know her well have learned to never ask a question if it is a busy day. Is that good authenticity?

What if we looked at authenticity as a 6 degree decision-making process?

Here are 12 *facts* about 6 degrees of authenticity (a pro and a con for each degree):

1st degree: Untempered

*Being untempered is inauthentic, I believe. While people who say what they think, all the time, may be congruent and honest about what they are feeling, they are not necessarily kind. Scripture talks about speaking the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15). If what one is saying isn’t loving, the heart behind what is being said is inauthentic.

Also, ask yourself, “Is this necessary?” It is not loving to dump your entire load of troubles on an acquaintance who was just looking for, “I’m fine” in answer to his, “How are you?”

*Untempered speaking is fine with very close friends and families who know and understand your heart. Everyone needs some place to dump their thoughts and feelings.

2nd Degree: Fake

*Being a fake (behaving in a manner that is not-at-all how you feel or believe) is inauthentic. Most people can spot a person being *fake*, unless they have the need to feel deluded.

*However, there are times when behaving in a *fake* manner is the only polite thing to do. Take for instance: The ex-wife must go to the wedding of her daughter and behave well, despite the fact that her ex-husband is attending with his new, young bride. To behave in a manner congruent with her feelings would ruin the wedding for her daughter. This kind of inauthenticity is simply called *manners*.

Make wise decisions about authenticity VickiTillmanCoaching.com

3rd Degree: Shut down

*Being completely shut down is not authentic. When a person feels shut down there is often depression, anxiety or hurt that needs healing. They have found detaching from emotional responses feels safer than being open with others. 

*There are times being shut down might be wise. If you are at a hostile board meeting and have nothing constructive to say, for the moment shutting down (or shutting up) might be the best choice.

4th Degree: Cautious

*Being overly cautious is not authentic when it is not called for. In a group of safe people, or with a safe person, it is inauthentic to not share opinions or feelings or needs. Being cautious when it is not needed leads to missing opportunities to connect.

*Being cautious is called for in new situations, or changing situations. It may take a little time and some risk taking to decide how much caution is needed when expression oneself with new people or when a group has undergone a big change of some sort.

Confidence-Building Skills for Meeting New People VickiTillmanCoaching.com

Click here for some confidence-building skills. Freebie!

5th Degree: Open

*Being open may appear to be authentic, but if it is an unwise or unsafe situation being totally open and honest may expose a person to unkindness or worse. Openness is good when the situation warrants. Discernment is needed.

*Being open is good with close and trusted friends and family members. Every human needs people like that in their lives. Some need lots of close and trusted friends and family, some just a few, but everybody needs somebody (sometime).

6th Degree: Wise

*The fact about this is that it is never unwise to be wise. 

*A wise person asks themselves these questions and discerns a kind, safe and polite answer:

  • What should I be authentic about?
  • When should I be authentic?
  • Where should I be authentic?
  • Why should I be authentic?

Want help wrestling with your own authenticity? That’s what life coaching is about! Transition from inauthenticity to wise authenticity! Contact me to get started. We can have coaching sessions in person, by phone or by Skype.

12 Facts about 6 Degrees of Authenticity

What’s the Difference Between Coaching and Counseling?

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Ever wonder What’s the difference between coaching and counseling?

What's the Difference Between Coaching and Counseling? VickiTillmanCoaching.com

What’s the Difference Between Coaching and Counseling?

Counseling is about healing.

Coaching is about fulfilling.

When you work with a counselor, you are feeling sadness, anxiousness or other emotional/mental distress. You need healing. Counselors help you through the process of healing.

When you work with a coach, you are feeling that something has to change:

  • you need a new job because you’ve been downsized, you’re graduating from college, or you just know there’s a better fit somewhere
  • you are in a quarter-life crisis or mid-life crisis and know there has to be more for you
  • you’ve been through relationship loss and you want to rediscover and recreate yourself
  • you feel like you’d like to know yourself better, to fulfill all God created you to be
  • you want to rebrand yourself
  • you want a deeper walk with God
  • you want to do the pre-marital work of SYMBIS

Your coach walks with you through the process of fulfilling your growth process.

Coaching is usually very non-directive. Your coach will ask you “powerful questions” that guide you through your own self-discovery process. Coaches are not consultants who tell you what to do (although they may suggest some resources for you to explore). Instead, coaches know that you already have your future inside you, it simply needs to be discovered.

Coaching loosely follows a 3-part process:

  • Discover: Clarify your knowledge about yourself, uncover new knowledge about yourself
  • Dream: Allow yourself to dream big dreams for your personal, relational and/or professional present and future
  • Develop: Build the skills you need for next steps, create your brand, define your mission and vision, set SMART goals

When you have an initial meeting with a coach, she will generally:

  • ask you about yourself
  • ask you what your goals for coaching are
  • help you get started on the adventure of fulfilling your goals
  • suggest resources, if appropriate
  • help you choose homework/out-of-session work and set SMART goals

The following sessions will include:

  • celebrating your successes
  • clarifying long-term goals
  • setting goals for that session
  • suggest resources, if appropriate
  • help you choose homework/out-of-session work and set SMART goals

Coaching is SUCH a rewarding, life-changing experience. Don’t wait until you are desperate! Contact me to get YOUR coaching started!

But if you already are desperate for a change, for becoming who God truly created you to be, hurry and contact me. Let’s get the coaching process started. We will work in person if you are local or by phone or Skype if you are not.

What’s the Difference Between Coaching and Counseling?

3 Painless, Practical Things to do When You Feel Overwhelmed

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Here are 3 painless, practical things to do when you feel overwhelmed.

3 Painless, Practical Things to do When You Feel Overwhelmed VickiTillmanCoaching.com

3 Painless, Practical Things to do When You Feel Overwhelmed

Ever feel like shutting down when you feel overwhelmed?

I read a quote by Matthew Kimberley: Feeling overwhelmed is not because you have too much to do; it is because you don’t know what to do next.

I agree. The feeling of overwhelm is often caused by having a lot to do and looking at that huge to-do list…then stopping because there’s not a clear starting point. Then nothing gets done, of course.

So, what can you do? Here are 3 painless, practical things to do when you feel overwhelmed:

* Calm down

Take some deep breaths, lower your blood pressure and your racing thoughts. Practice some mindfulness. Here’s a freebie with my favorite mindfulness, deep-breathing activity. This will clear your head. Really. Try it!

Progressive Relaxation

Click here for more information.

* Predict a positive outcome

Our minds will drive us where we tell it to drive us. In other words: If we tell our brains, “This is going to be a disaster!”, our brains will usually co-operate with that.

Why not predict something realistic and positive instead? How about, “This is going to be challenging but I’m up for the adventure and will do FINE!”

If our brain expects an adventurous challenge with a FINE outcome, it will co-operate with that. In other words: Brainwash your brain with a positive truth statement rather than a negative, fear-mongering statement.

* Schedule backwards

Take a little time to plan before you start chipping away at the to-do list. This is how to do it; write these things down:

  • Begin with the end in mind. What will it look like when you are successfully finished with everything?
  • Now, look backwards to the half-way point. What will you have finished by that point?
  • Now, look at the halfway point to the halfway point. What will you have finished by that time?
  • Now, look at the halfway point to the halfway point to the halfway point. What will you have finished by that time?
  • This gives you a good feel to the pacing you need. How much will you be needing to accomplish each day?
  • What will be your starting point?
  • With that starting point, write out a schedule. (For more tips on this kind of schedule, my friend, Sabrina, has a freebie called Scheduling Backwards.)

Want more help getting life under control? Life coaching will help with that. Contact me to reserve a time to get started on a life free from overwhelm!

3 Painless, Practical Things to do When You Feel Overwhelmed

3 Reasons Why Courtesy is Cool and Makes You Cool and Employable

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Here are 3 reasons why courtesy is cool and makes you cool and employable.

3 Reasons Why Courtesy is Cool and Makes You Cool and Employable VickiTillmanCoaching.com

3 Reasons Why Courtesy is Cool and Makes You Cool and Employable

I was listening to a recorded lecture by the late poet John O’Donahue. This poet, priest and philosopher said something that caught my attention: He said that we needed to be “courteous to ourselves”.

Courtesy is not a word we use often in my generation. It fell away during the 1960’s and 70’s when my generation ditched etiquette because we saw too many people who could BEHAVE politely but had poisonous souls. We wanted to be *real*. (*What you see is what you get!*)

So my generation was real but many of us became *real* selfish, *real* harsh, *real* unkind, *real* ungrounded. Courtesy wasn’t enough if someone was *fake*. But no-courtesy had bad results, too.

Now, many decades later, we are finding out that old-fashioned words like *courtesy* don’t actually have that much to do with the rigid systems of etiquette like we were taught by our parents. Rather, *courtesy* is a synonym for *kindness, compassion, thoughtfulness, virtuous practices*.

AND it’s back! Here are 3 reasons why courtesy is cool and makes you cool… and employable.

*Courtesy is cool because it is in the Urban Dictionary: a thoughtful gesture or action. Example: Don’t forget to do that courtesy thing I told you about before we came over.

*Courtesy is cool because it is biologically good for you. Doing courteous acts or even WATCHING courteous acts raises your oxytocin levels (a calming, feel better hormone). It also activates your parasympathetic nervous system which tells your body to *Calm down!*

*Courtesy is cool because it makes you more employable. Many employers have found that courteous people often make better employees. They have found that backbiting, negative, critical team members decrease productivity, creativity and cohesiveness of the team. On the other hand team members who exhibit positive and virtuous practices experience:

  • Better team relationships
  • More creativity
  • Less blaming, more forgiving
  • Inspiring others
  • Find more meaning in work

Who should you show courtesy to?

*Yourself! Negative self-talk causes shrinkage on your brain cells. Truthful, kind, positive self-talk does exactly the opposite! Like John O’Donohue said, “Be courteous to yourself.”

*Strangers! Random acts of kindness are simply acts of courtesy. These are good for the giver and the receiver of the kindness. Try:

  • Holding doors open for people
  • Smiling and saying *thank you* to cashiers
  • Standing back and allowing people that are exiting leave before you enter a room or building

*Friends and family! Here’s a simple way to put it: If what you are doing fits the instruction *be nice* it’s probably courtesy.

*Colleagues! Try some of these *team builders*:

Confidence-Building Skills for Meeting New People VickiTillmanCoaching.com

Here’s one new thing to get started with: Confidence-building skills for meeting new people. Click here for this FREEBIE!

  • Smile as you walk into a room
  • Thank admins and people who help you
  • Compliment team members
  • Find the positive whenever possible

Courtesy is cool. It makes you cool. And it helps you be employable. Make it a habit!

If you’d like to work more on this, other job skills, or life transitions, contact me. We can coach in person, via phone or Skype.

3 Reasons Why Courtesy is Cool and Makes You Cool and Employable

Aiming for Emotionally Healthy Life? 5 Things You Must Believe About You

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Are you aiming for an emotionally healthy life? 5 things you must believe about you.

Aiming for Emotionally Healthy Life? 5 Things You Must Believe About You VickiTillmanCoaching.com

Aiming for Emotionally Healthy Life? 5 Things You Must Believe About You

*Just because you still have areas to work on, doesn’t mean that you’re a failure. 

Wise people are introspective. They will take a look at the things that they are doing well, and those they are not doing well. However, emotionally healthy people will not take those introspective moments as opportunities for self-abuse. They will use them to set growth goals.

Areas to work on = Goals for growth

*You have gifts that need to be unfolded.

Every person has things inside them that need to be discovered, unfolded, developed, and enjoyed. No matter how long you live, there will be something that is in you to find out about. How do you discover gifts? Try new things, do volunteer work, join organizations that are creating good. As you are active and engaged in life, gifts will come to light.

Active, engaged, serving lifestyle = Gift-discovery and development

*Your God-given personality is a blessing to be developed and appreciated.

God gave each person a personality (get it: person…personality). Wise people learn about themselves so that they can enhance the good parts and manage the weaknesses. The stronger people get in self-knowledge, the more they can be healthy. Do some personality exploration!

Personality exploration = self-knowledge and satisfaction

Personal Discovery Links VickiTillmanCoaching.com

Click image for free download.

*You are loved by God.

Wise people learn to simply rest in this knowledge. There are many things in the world that are painful and unexplainable. In the midst of all that, emotionally healthy people can be helped by the knowledge there is a God who loves, IS love and loves you in particular.

God is love and loves you = Emotional rest

*You were made for connection with God, people, God’s creation.

People are not meant to be alone. We need several kinds of connection;

Personal growth is the kind of work coaches do. Contact me.

Aiming for Emotionally Healthy Life? 5 Things You Must Believe About You

 

 

7 Achievable Ways to Enhance Your Emotional Health

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It’s worth investing in: 7 achievable ways to enhance your emotional health.

7 Achievable Ways to Enhance Your Emotional Health VickiTillmanCoaching.com

7 Achievable Ways to Enhance Your Emotional Health

Coaching clients often have emotional health as one of their goals. Even if they don’t define it that way because they don’t know what the heck emotional health is!

What they are able to say is that they want to live a good life and feel fulfilled. In order to reach those goals, a person need emotional health.

What is emotional health anyway?

  • Emotionally healthy people have high personal Emotional Intelligence: They recognize, understand and manage their own emotions.
  • Emotionally healthy people have high interpersonal Emotional Intelligence: They have the ability to recognize, understand and influence the emotions of others.
  • Emotionally healthy people are resilient: They can bounce back from difficult circumstances (with help from others when needed).
  • Emotionally healthy people have grit. They have perseverance and passion for long-term goals.
  • Emotionally healthy people treat with the balance of compassion and assertiveness. Compassionate people notice other’s suffering and want to help. Assertive people know where to draw the line so that they do not fall into co-dependency.
  • Emotionally healthy people treat themselves well.
  • Emotionally healthy people find and engage in truth, beauty and goodness.

Does that sound overwhelming? It’s not. Here are 7 achievable ways to enhance your emotional health.

  1. For personal Emotional Intelligence, practice 3 W’s daily. Get a journal and once a day record: WHAT am I feeling? WHY am I feeling that way? WHAT am I going to do about it?Progressive Relaxation
  2. For interpersonal Emotional Intelligence, practice perspective taking. In that same journal, record an interaction or event that happened that day. Now practice the 3 W’s from the other(s) perspective. Do your best (the more you practice, the easier it will become). WHAT were they feeling? WHY were they feeling that way? (What is their history/story/need/fear?) WHAT are you going to do about what happened?
  3. To build resilience. Talk to yourself about recovering from tough things (predict to yourself that you will recover). Create positive experiences for yourself.
  4. To build grit. Spend some time on self-discovery. Begin to pray about setting life-goals for yourself.
  5. To balance compassion and assertiveness. Do a good deed daily. Say “no” to people who take advantage of you.
  6. Treat yourself well. Start with some mindfulness and gratitude. Here’s a link for progressive relaxation breathing- a simple mindfulness exercise, and a how-to for gratitude lists.Ignatian Examen How-to VickiTillmanCoaching.com
  7. Begin to expand your emotional health with “truth, beauty and goodness” by noticing God’s work each day. Here’s a link for my version of the mindful prayer exercise: Ignatian Examen.

These are all achievable goals, but sometimes working towards ANY goal is easier and more fun when working with a coach. When you’re ready to work on your emotional health goals, contact me to get started with life or career coaching.

Hey, and look at the sidebar and sign up for my newsletter. I’ll be sending out an email weekly for the next 7 weeks with a downloadable freebie to build on one of the 7 areas above per week. Enhance your emotional health! Sign up for the newsletter.

7 Achievable Ways to Enhance Your Emotional Health

5 Emotionally Healthy Reasons to Find 5 Emotionally Healthy Friends

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Here are 5 emotionally healthy reasons to find 5 emotionally healthy friends.

5 Emotionally Healthy Reasons to Find 5 Emotionally Healthy Friends VickiTillmanCoaching.com

5 Emotionally Healthy Reasons to Find 5 Emotionally Healthy Friends

Friendships are necessary for human health and wellbeing. If you want to truly want to live the “good life”, according to Aristotle, you need to have good friends.

Friendship is usually not too difficult for extraverts, but even introverts need good friends…and by “good friends”, I mean “emotionally healthy friends”.

Here are 5 emotionally healthy reasons to find 5 emotionally healthy friends:

Reason #1: You become like the 5 people you hang around with most

Whether the people you are engaged with are online or IRL, the 5 people you are with most frequently are the people who will most influence your thoughts, decisions, beliefs and behaviors.

A great quote from Colin Powell says it well:

“Be careful where you stop to inquire for directions along the road of life. Wise is the person who fortifies his life with the right friendships. If you run with wolves, you will learn how to howl. But, if you associate with eagles, you will learn how to soar to great heights.”

The Bible says in Proverbs 13:20 says the “He who walks with wise men shall be wise…”. (Tillman version)

Research shows this. If you have friends who eat healthily, you are more likely to eat healthily. You’ve noticed this, I’m sure. When people get new friends, they change. They are subconsciously or consciously influenced by them to become like them. (You are also influencing your friends, too.)

Reason #2: Emotionally healthy friendships are good for your brain

Ever had one of those moments with a friend where you both have the same thought? Or maybe you both worked on figuring out a tough problem, then you came to a mutual resolution (an “aha” moment)? Or you listened deeply to one another and each of you felt heard?

At those moments, you both did some rewiring of your brains…mutual rewiring. This increases both your brains’ neuroplasticity (your resilience and neural health).

Healthy friendships help train our brains for empathy and prosocial skills…if we have emotionally healthy friendships. The opposite can also be true: emotionally unhealthy friends stimulate us instinctively toward their unhealthy behaviors. This is because our brains have “mirror neurons” that instinctively imitate the things we see other people do. 

Healthy friends contribute to healthy brains.

Reason #3: Emotionally healthy friendships help you be successful

Research shows that people who have a best friend at work are 7 times more likely to feel engaged with their job.

Emotionally healthy friends will encourage you to achieve your goals. Another great quote from Colin Powell: 

“Friends that don’t help you climb will want you to crawl. Your friends will stretch your vision or choke your dream. Those that don’t increase you will eventually decrease you.”

Reason #4: Close friendships may help reduce depression levels over time and help you build self-worth

Having good friends may help to reduce depression and anxiety levels over time. One recent study found that adolescents that have close friends as teens, had lower levels of depression and anxiety when they reached age 25. Teens with close friends also tend to have better self-worth as adults.

Adults do feel better with friends, too. If you didn’t have many friends as a teen, now is the time to get started.

Reason #6: Good role models believe in good friendship

We know that some of the wisest people in history believed in good friendship. Here are just 2 of them:

Aristotle:

In poverty and other misfortunes of life, true friends are a sure refuge. The young they keep out of mischief; to the old they are a comfort and aid in their weakness, and those in the prime of life they incite to noble deeds.

C.S. Lewis:

Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art… It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.

What is emotionally healthy friendship?

Does emotionally healthy friendship mean that none of your friends can experience depression, anxiety or other struggles? No! (That’s not even possible. Everyone experiences depression or anxiety sometimes.)

Emotionally healthy friends are friends that:

  • Have goodwill towards you. (They wish you well-being. They want the best for you.)
  • Celebrate when you have a success.
  • Listen.
  • Call you out on your garbage…but are not critical or belittling.
  • Are mutual (able to invest support as well as receive support from a relationship).
  • Don’t hog your attention.

Where do you find emotionally healthy friends?

  • Your significant other can count as one.
  • Family counts (but not as all 5 of your friends).
  • You can find friends at work or in various organizations.
  • You can find friends in the digital world, too.

Best wishes finding some great friends!

5 Emotionally Healthy Reasons to Find 5Emotionally Healthy Friends

You shall love your neighbor as yourself. Love works no ill against his neighbor.

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A little advice for these times:  You shall love your neighbor as yourself. Love works no ill against his neighbor. This post is running concurrently at Vicki Talks Prayer.

You shall love your neighbor as yourself VickiTillmanCoaching.com

In case you ever wonder what you should do, Scripture has some wise advice:

You shall love your neighbor as yourself. Love works no ill against his neighbor.

That’s pretty clear.

And if that’s not clear enough, God made sure this sage advice was repeated in both the Old Testament and the New Testament, the Gospels and the Epistles (parentheses mine):

  • Romans 13:9-10 You shall love your neighbor as yourself. Love works no ill against his neighbor.
  • Leviticus 19:18 You shall love your neighbor as yourself: I am the Lord (giving you this command)
  • Matthew 22:39 The second (commandment from Christ) is like the first: You shall love your neighbor as yourself.
  • Galatians 5:14 For all the law is fulfilled in one word: You shall love your neighbor as yourself.
  • James 2:18 Show me your faith without works (of love), I will show you my faith by my works (of love).

If you’ve read much Scripture, you’ve probably noticed that:

  • If God says something ONCE, he means it.
  • If he says it TWICE, you better not ignore it.
  • If he says it 3 TIMES, you’re going to start getting “woe unto thee”.

So if it is in Scripture more than 3 times? I’d say that was high priority in God’s eyes.

If you’re wrestling with questions like these, I can help. Life coaching with a Christian perspective can help (I’ve trained at Liberty University and years of serving in prayer and teaching ministry). Contact me.

For a glimpse at my prayer work, check my blog: Vicki Talks Prayer.

3 Easy but Powerful Steps in Standing Up for Yourself

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Here are 3 easy but powerful steps in standing up for yourself.

3 Easy but Powerful Steps in Standing Up for Yourself VickiTillmanCoaching.com Learning to stand up for yourself is simple and can change a bad situation into a good one.

3 Easy but Powerful Steps in Standing Up for Yourself

Times come in everyone’s life: you have to stand up for yourself!

It might be with a:

  • college professor who gave you a grade you don’t agree with
  • significant other who is forgetting to be kind
  • boss who is taking his frustrations out on you
  • leader in an organization who is taking advantage of your skill and time
  • friend who wants you to do all the work in the relationship
  • doctor who isn’t listening well to you
  • cashier who is snarky

Whatever the event, there are 3 easy but powerful steps in standing up for yourself.

Step 1. Take a deep breath and lower your emotions. 

You lose your power when you yell. Did you catch that? You loose your power when you yell!

The only thing that yelling does is put people on the defensive and when they are defensive they don’t listen. When they don’t listen, you’re powerless to make a change.

Progressive Relaxation

Click here to learn deep breathing practices with this free download.

Step 2: Use +-+. Plus-minus-plus is the 3- or 4-sentence magic formula in standing up for yourself.

Plus: Say something polite or complimentary. ONE sentence. Even if you’re angry, you can do this. Saying something polite lowers the overall anger level in a room and helps the other person to become more receptive.

Minus: Say what the problem is. ONE sentence. Then, what you would like done about it. ONE sentence. No demands, instead say something like, “What I would like is…” “What is need is…” “This will make things feel better…”.

Plus: Something kind or complimentary. ONE sentence. Say something like “Thanks for listening…” “I appreciate the help”.

Step 3: Step back, be quiet, create some space for the other person to do something healthy.

Silence is a powerful tool. You might feel like talking on and on until you get everything out, but in a tense situation the person who is listening will probably not pay attention to anything after the 10th word. So really, you have 10 words to make your point (that’s the Minus section of your +-+). Then stop!

What you will have accomplished at this point is:

  • You will have shown that you are a powerful person to be reckoned with.
  • The other person may adopt your idea (and very often come out of a +-+ situation feeling like your idea is their idea).
  • Even if you aren’t heard in this first round, you have opened the door for healthy negotiation.

Give it a try! When you’re ready for more help learning to advocate for yourself, contact me for coaching in person or by phone.

3 Easy but Powerful Steps in Standing Up for Yourself